Friday
11Dec2009
No longer riding on the merry-go-round. I just had to let it go.
I feel frantic and I'm not sure why. As if something important, something crucial is slipping away and I need more time! I feel like I'm sleepwalking much of the time and I want to be very present in my life just now. It doesn't take Freud to conclude that I feel like I'm missing out on Violet's life and it bothers me. Constantly.
I guess I don't mind telling you I'm flipping out. In a very private, quiet way. In fact, I haven't acknowledged to anyone, including myself, that I'm flipping out. Let me try and figure it out as I type here, to you...
I think I had what I'd term an epiphany several months ago. An epiphany about what's important in life and what I'd like to spend my life doing. I don't want to live in the suburbs. I don't want to live in the city either. But I want to live near a city like New York City, the greatest fucking city on the planet, so I can visit monthly. I want to be a full-time mom and run a proper household in which I can offer significant portions of time to my children and gardening and cooking and baking and shopping on the cheap. I don't aspire to be wealthy, to have a big house, I want a cozy house. A happy house in a place where the nearest neighbor is a half-mile down the road. I want Serge to be near his brother because no matter how much they fight, I think they both lose something essential when they aren't around each other. Near enough to share a coffee and a smoke three or four times a week.
I realized I could sit around hoping these things naturally occur or I could work really hard to make them happen and avoid waking up in ten years still trapped in a debt-laden life, working to pay for all the shit we don't need and wondering what the fuck happened. I think that's where the frantic feeling comes in. I don't know what else I could be doing to obtain the debt-free goal. Well. There is ONE thing I could do. It is a scenario that terrifies me to contemplate and Serge would shit himself if he knew that I was considering REALLY buckling down in 2010, buckling down so tightly that it would require a move to Mom's place. But lately I'll admit that the speed with which we could eliminate debt if we moved into Mom's place (TEMPORARILY!) is turning me on more than Jared Leto in 1995. Speaking of which, oh my, did anyone watch Conan O'Brien last night? This girl did too and, my goodness, hello Jordan, I mean Jared. Where have you been hiding? Did you know I once slept with a guy because he reminded me of you? He was the guy that cried after sex so that was no good, but still!
Speaking of shopping on the cheap, because I was speaking about it a few paragraphs ago in case you forgot, I've become obsessed with coupons, as of late. By combining manufacturer's coupons (the ones issued by the product maker) with store sales and store coupons you can really cash in. Last week I got, like, ten boxes of cereal for the price of one. As Serge eats cereal like it's been discontinued, this was a good item to stock up on. I'm learning what things regularly cost and so when I see inserts in newspaper advertising a "huge" sale on something, I know whether or not the sale price is actually a good deal or not. But to really score on couponing you have to be highly organized, something I haven't been able to figure out since commencing with the couponing.
Anyway...
I've turned into some crazy tightwad who has heart palpitations every time she is required to purchase something. I actually hate spending money which is so weird. Back in my twenties I'd feel a little blue and spend a day trying on clothes and buying a couple snazzy outfits to lift my spirits. Now, that'd cause me to hate myself for a week. In fact, I don't think I could do it, which means, oh my God, Violet will grow up with weird, tightwad Mom. Which is kind of okay by me. I mean, I grew up extremely poor but with no sense of financial responsibility. Often, poor people are fucking terrible with money because when they have any significant amount they lose their minds and buy some bullshit item because they're so sick of being poor and they convince themselves they deserve it because they're poor. That's my experience, anyway.
I hate that I owe money. I suppose that's where Little Black Dress comes in. It's a way for me to take action and feel like I'm doing something when I don't really have time to do anything while working nine or ten hours a day. If you think it's a "stupid idea" or ridiculous or whatever else I read in the comments yesterday, that's fine. It's certainly your prerogative. I'm not certain I'd leave a comment like that on someone's blog, someone who seemed excited about her project, but again, that's the nature of the internet and I understand that. Little Black Dress doesn't have to make sense to you. It makes sense to me. It gives me something to hang all these pent up emotions on. It helps me feel like I'm doing something. And that feels good. Something is better than nothing. Also, if you think wearing the same dress for six months is easy you're out of your damn mind. I have serious doubts as to whether I can do it, but I like the concept of frugality and sustainability and the opportunity to show people you don't need a huge wardrobe and tons of new clothes to be presentable and dare I say stylish?
I don't want to run ads on this blog. I want it to feel like mine, my place, my corner of the internets without some fucking flashing McDonald's arch or some seizure-inducing button that urges you to "click here and lose weight fast." However, I will acknowledge that if I thought ads would net me any significant amount of money I'd paste the golden arches to my nipples and pole dance for y'all... fortunately I don't see that or ads happening here any time soon.
I guess I don't mind telling you I'm flipping out. In a very private, quiet way. In fact, I haven't acknowledged to anyone, including myself, that I'm flipping out. Let me try and figure it out as I type here, to you...
I think I had what I'd term an epiphany several months ago. An epiphany about what's important in life and what I'd like to spend my life doing. I don't want to live in the suburbs. I don't want to live in the city either. But I want to live near a city like New York City, the greatest fucking city on the planet, so I can visit monthly. I want to be a full-time mom and run a proper household in which I can offer significant portions of time to my children and gardening and cooking and baking and shopping on the cheap. I don't aspire to be wealthy, to have a big house, I want a cozy house. A happy house in a place where the nearest neighbor is a half-mile down the road. I want Serge to be near his brother because no matter how much they fight, I think they both lose something essential when they aren't around each other. Near enough to share a coffee and a smoke three or four times a week.
I realized I could sit around hoping these things naturally occur or I could work really hard to make them happen and avoid waking up in ten years still trapped in a debt-laden life, working to pay for all the shit we don't need and wondering what the fuck happened. I think that's where the frantic feeling comes in. I don't know what else I could be doing to obtain the debt-free goal. Well. There is ONE thing I could do. It is a scenario that terrifies me to contemplate and Serge would shit himself if he knew that I was considering REALLY buckling down in 2010, buckling down so tightly that it would require a move to Mom's place. But lately I'll admit that the speed with which we could eliminate debt if we moved into Mom's place (TEMPORARILY!) is turning me on more than Jared Leto in 1995. Speaking of which, oh my, did anyone watch Conan O'Brien last night? This girl did too and, my goodness, hello Jordan, I mean Jared. Where have you been hiding? Did you know I once slept with a guy because he reminded me of you? He was the guy that cried after sex so that was no good, but still!
Speaking of shopping on the cheap, because I was speaking about it a few paragraphs ago in case you forgot, I've become obsessed with coupons, as of late. By combining manufacturer's coupons (the ones issued by the product maker) with store sales and store coupons you can really cash in. Last week I got, like, ten boxes of cereal for the price of one. As Serge eats cereal like it's been discontinued, this was a good item to stock up on. I'm learning what things regularly cost and so when I see inserts in newspaper advertising a "huge" sale on something, I know whether or not the sale price is actually a good deal or not. But to really score on couponing you have to be highly organized, something I haven't been able to figure out since commencing with the couponing.
Anyway...
I've turned into some crazy tightwad who has heart palpitations every time she is required to purchase something. I actually hate spending money which is so weird. Back in my twenties I'd feel a little blue and spend a day trying on clothes and buying a couple snazzy outfits to lift my spirits. Now, that'd cause me to hate myself for a week. In fact, I don't think I could do it, which means, oh my God, Violet will grow up with weird, tightwad Mom. Which is kind of okay by me. I mean, I grew up extremely poor but with no sense of financial responsibility. Often, poor people are fucking terrible with money because when they have any significant amount they lose their minds and buy some bullshit item because they're so sick of being poor and they convince themselves they deserve it because they're poor. That's my experience, anyway.
I hate that I owe money. I suppose that's where Little Black Dress comes in. It's a way for me to take action and feel like I'm doing something when I don't really have time to do anything while working nine or ten hours a day. If you think it's a "stupid idea" or ridiculous or whatever else I read in the comments yesterday, that's fine. It's certainly your prerogative. I'm not certain I'd leave a comment like that on someone's blog, someone who seemed excited about her project, but again, that's the nature of the internet and I understand that. Little Black Dress doesn't have to make sense to you. It makes sense to me. It gives me something to hang all these pent up emotions on. It helps me feel like I'm doing something. And that feels good. Something is better than nothing. Also, if you think wearing the same dress for six months is easy you're out of your damn mind. I have serious doubts as to whether I can do it, but I like the concept of frugality and sustainability and the opportunity to show people you don't need a huge wardrobe and tons of new clothes to be presentable and dare I say stylish?
I don't want to run ads on this blog. I want it to feel like mine, my place, my corner of the internets without some fucking flashing McDonald's arch or some seizure-inducing button that urges you to "click here and lose weight fast." However, I will acknowledge that if I thought ads would net me any significant amount of money I'd paste the golden arches to my nipples and pole dance for y'all... fortunately I don't see that or ads happening here any time soon.
Dec 11, 2009 |
The Girl Who... | in
Introspection,
Little Black Dress,
Money Makeover |
17 Comments | 

