No longer riding on the merry-go-round. I just had to let it go.

I feel frantic and I'm not sure why. As if something important, something crucial is slipping away and I need more time! I feel like I'm sleepwalking much of the time and I want to be very present in my life just now. It doesn't take Freud to conclude that I feel like I'm missing out on Violet's life and it bothers me. Constantly.

I guess I don't mind telling you I'm flipping out. In a very private, quiet way. In fact, I haven't acknowledged to anyone, including myself, that I'm flipping out. Let me try and figure it out as I type here, to you...

I think I had what I'd term an epiphany several months ago. An epiphany about what's important in life and what I'd like to spend my life doing. I don't want to live in the suburbs. I don't want to live in the city either. But I want to live near a city like New York City, the greatest fucking city on the planet, so I can visit monthly. I want to be a full-time mom and run a proper household in which I can offer significant portions of time to my children and gardening and cooking and baking and shopping on the cheap. I don't aspire to be wealthy, to have a big house, I want a cozy house. A happy house in a place where the nearest neighbor is a half-mile down the road. I want Serge to be near his brother because no matter how much they fight, I think they both lose something essential when they aren't around each other. Near enough to share a coffee and a smoke three or four times a week.

I realized I could sit around hoping these things naturally occur or I could work really hard to make them happen and avoid waking up in ten years still trapped in a debt-laden life, working to pay for all the shit we don't need and wondering what the fuck happened. I think that's where the frantic feeling comes in. I don't know what else I could be doing to obtain the debt-free goal. Well. There is ONE thing I could do. It is a scenario that terrifies me to contemplate and Serge would shit himself if he knew that I was considering REALLY buckling down in 2010, buckling down so tightly that it would require a move to Mom's place. But lately I'll admit that the speed with which we could eliminate debt if we moved into Mom's place (TEMPORARILY!) is turning me on more than Jared Leto in 1995. Speaking of which, oh my, did anyone watch Conan O'Brien last night? This girl did too and, my goodness, hello Jordan, I mean Jared. Where have you been hiding? Did you know I once slept with a guy because he reminded me of you? He was the guy that cried after sex so that was no good, but still!

Speaking of shopping on the cheap, because I was speaking about it a few paragraphs ago in case you forgot, I've become obsessed with coupons, as of late. By combining manufacturer's coupons (the ones issued by the product maker) with store sales and store coupons you can really cash in. Last week I got, like, ten boxes of cereal for the price of one. As Serge eats cereal like it's been discontinued, this was a good item to stock up on. I'm learning what things regularly cost and so when I see inserts in newspaper advertising a "huge" sale on something, I know whether or not the sale price is actually a good deal or not. But to really score on couponing you have to be highly organized, something I haven't been able to figure out since commencing with the couponing.

Anyway...

I've turned into some crazy tightwad who has heart palpitations every time she is required to purchase something. I actually hate spending money which is so weird. Back in my twenties I'd feel a little blue and spend a day trying on clothes and buying a couple snazzy outfits to lift my spirits. Now, that'd cause me to hate myself for a week. In fact, I don't think I could do it, which means, oh my God, Violet will grow up with weird, tightwad Mom. Which is kind of okay by me. I mean, I grew up extremely poor but with no sense of financial responsibility. Often, poor people are fucking terrible with money because when they have any significant amount they lose their minds and buy some bullshit item because they're so sick of being poor and they convince themselves they deserve it because they're poor. That's my experience, anyway.

I hate that I owe money. I suppose that's where Little Black Dress comes in. It's a way for me to take action and feel like I'm doing something when I don't really have time to do anything while working nine or ten hours a day. If you think it's a "stupid idea" or ridiculous or whatever else I read in the comments yesterday, that's fine. It's certainly your prerogative. I'm not certain I'd leave a comment like that on someone's blog, someone who seemed excited about her project, but again, that's the nature of the internet and I understand that. Little Black Dress doesn't have to make sense to you. It makes sense to me. It gives me something to hang all these pent up emotions on. It helps me feel like I'm doing something. And that feels good. Something is better than nothing. Also, if you think wearing the same dress for six months is easy you're out of your damn mind. I have serious doubts as to whether I can do it, but I like the concept of frugality and sustainability and the opportunity to show people you don't need a huge wardrobe and tons of new clothes to be presentable and dare I say stylish?

I don't want to run ads on this blog. I want it to feel like mine, my place, my corner of the internets without some fucking flashing McDonald's arch or some seizure-inducing button that urges you to "click here and lose weight fast." However, I will acknowledge that if I thought ads would net me any significant amount of money I'd paste the golden arches to my nipples and pole dance for y'all... fortunately I don't see that or ads happening here any time soon.

Photo of the Week

If it seems like we spend a lot of time looking out our front window, we do! I always think of John Lennon's song Watching The Wheels, cuz that's what we do.

Housekeeping

DECEMBER IS BOOKED! GOOD LUCK EVERYONE!

***UPDATE! JUST TWO SPOTS LEFT FOR THE GREAT EXPERIMENT. C'MON! JUST ENTER. YOU DON'T EVEN HAVE TO WRITE ANYTHING NEW, JUST FIND AN OLD BLOG POST THAT'S YOUR FAVORITE. WHAT HAVE YOU GOT TO LOSE?

I am so nervous about Little Black Dress! One dress for six months! When I really think about it I can't imagine how I'll do it. I'm bound to freak out over the whole ordeal at some point which basically boils down to: poor Serge. However! I think I may have found a dress today at TJ Maxx. $20! I'll let you know if it works out.

A quick aside: I've had a couple folks who run companies or websites contact me about sponsoring Little Black Dress so I decided to accept donations in exchange for a link on The Girl Who. If you're interested in having your company or blog featured click here. You can also donate accessories and, if you sell the accessories somewhere online like Etsy, I'll be sure to mention that and link to you when I post the daily photo of Little Black Dress.

Also, in case you haven't noticed, THE GREAT EXPERIMENT topic for December is open meaning you can submit whatever you want. There are five spots left. You have a one in fifteen shot of winning some extra Christmas cash and you don't even have to write up something new. Just hit your archives and submit your best blog!

I'm calling for links on the 17th so we can have a winner by the 20th in order to get the cash to someone before Christmas! Good luck everyone! And thanks for all the support.

One Dress, Six Months

Serge doesn't think I can do it which is reason enough to try. Wear the same dress for six months.

181 days.

The financial investment, particularly of women, into clothing and our appearance is ridiculous. Thousands and thousands of dollars spent annually in an effort to keep up with what magazines and television decree to be hot. Fake hair colors, fake hair, fake nails, fake tans... at one time or another I was guilty of several of the above. So, in addition to wearing the same dress I will not invest any money toward hair coloring or any other similar expense. First, it's a rejection of an economic system that pushes over-consumption. Second, I hope to raise money to pay off debt and help a local charity.

But. To do that I'll need your help.

Over the years of this blog I've had several people contact me because they wanted to send me money. It blows me away every, single time. Most recently I had an offer that shocked me. And got me to thinking. I've never accepted money nor have I put ads on the blog. It just felt wrong. But this last offer got me to thinking; what if I do something readers could sponsor? Set a goal for myself and y'all can kind of sponsor me in the same way people raise money to run marathons.

That's where Little Black Dress comes in.

Here's how it will work: On January first I'll begin the Little Black Dress project. I'm searching for an inexpensive dress. A simple, black dress. I'll purchase a couple versions of it to fight wear and tear and then I'll wear the dress every, single day until July 1st. Here's where you come in: I'll put a donate button on the blog and you can contribute whatever you want as often as you want. Hell, if you win THE GREAT EXPERIMENT and want to donate your money to Little Black Dress, feel free! All but ten percent of the money I raise will go toward debt reduction. The ten percent will go to a local charity I have yet to decide on. I'm leaning toward this animal shelter, though. FOX has done several stories on them and it's a fantastic organization. The money won't be touched until July 1st and if I don't make it all the money raised will go to the charity and I will provide documented proof (maybe even a video of me presenting the money) on this blog.

This could be a colossal flop. But I think it's worth a try. Who knows what could happen? I believe in the power of the internet. And I'm so grateful to y'all for reading my blog all these years. If so many of you hadn't kept reading I don't know that I'd still be writing here. You advised me through so much of my crazy bullshit and, as THE GREAT EXPERIMENT has shown us, there is power in numbers. If enough of us band together there is no limit to what we can do. I guess what I'm trying to say here is it's worth a try.

Even if I fail I hope to inspire you to think hard before making unnecessary purchases. I want to inspire you to pay off your debt and stay out of debt. If, like me, you're working your ass off and still living paycheck to paycheck I want to inspire you to get creative in trying to pay off your debt. Maybe you'll do the Little Black Dress experiment along with me? If you're anything like me you kind of floated through your twenties, acquiring unnecessary debt, not fully understanding the repercussions. Isn't having debt a normal part of being alive? NO! You shouldn't buy it if you can't afford to pay for it in cash. You want something? Budget for it and save! Not owing money to anyone is a powerful feeling.

Now, I have 20 days to find a dress.

Inspiration:
Brown Dress
Uniform Project
And a woman who knows who she is.

Update on Dec 9, 2009 by The Girl Who...

Update: I have decided to purchase only one dress and hand wash it to further the point of frugality and sustainability and help it last the duration.

Not So Together Mom

I went to a baby shower for a friend yesterday. (Hi Holly!) She's due January 19th, which was pretty much Violet's due date last January. Because it's been a tough week with Violet what with being sick and the teething I decided to take her with me to the shower to give Serge a break. It'll be fun, I thought.

Big mistake.

I was that Mom. You know. The one you feel bad for when you see her attempting to juggle her kid and food and life, really, within a foot of the kid's hands and mouth? Violet was horrible!

I don't see my friends much because, well, because I'm anti-social and also leaving the house with Violet feels like running a marathon so that by the time everything is packed in the car ("Did you bring the binky? Go get it!" We all settle into the car agin and then... "Damn! I forgot to put more diapers in the bag. Oh, dude, she just shit. Again. I've got to change her.") I am utterly exhausted and have zero desire to pursue socialization. It's so much easier and dare I say desirable to lounge around our house with no pants.

So yesterday I very much wanted to show all the gals (and myself) what a Together Mom good ol' Monica is with her cute child and very laid back attitude. Unfortunately I forgot to let Violet in on the plan. She cried THE ENTIRE time. Every fifteen minutes or so some well-meaning friend would be like, "Give her to me", only to suffer Violet's wrath for five minutes before passing her back along with an expression of abject pity.

Ten minutes into the whole To Do I was sweating like a pig trying to wrangle Violet who somehow managed to crawl all over my body feral cat-style whilst scratching my face and twining sticky fingers through my hair in a not so gentle fashion. Couple this with the fact that I had leggings on under my jeans (long story that ends with you shaking your head over my laziness) and so the jeans kept sliding right off my ass. As a result, when we gathered around to watch Holly open gifts, I was either flashing the gals behind me a largish, white, ass crack or a vast expand of elastic legging that probably looked like some weird girdle.

So much for my Together Mom routine.

At one point Violet knocked over my cup of red wine on the coffee table. Of course it was a coffee table that doubles as a chest for blankets. And of course the wine leaked onto the blankets. And of course the blanket on top was a... C'mon, say it with me everyone:

WHITE DUVET!

By the end of the party I wanted to pull the mother-to-be aside and say "Look. You sure you really want to go through with this? I can just give you mine. Seriously. Car seat goes in real easy and you can just drive her on home."

Photo of the Week

Although it kind of looks like Serge took this photo himself it was me. Violet's been sick and I snapped this when he was rocking her to sleep. Rocking her to sleep was the one bright side of the whole sick ordeal. Usually she's as slippery as a freshly caught trout but when she was sick she'd snuggle miserably into the crook of your arm and conk right out. Parental nirvana.

Mission Impossible

The other day, when I was sick, Serge went to the grocery store to pick up a few items, including tampons.

Poor guy.

But he was uncharacteristically positive about it all, cheerily calling me from the feminine hygiene aisle as instructed.
"Flushable? Bio-degradable? Pearl? What's pearl? Sounds expensive. Anti-slip grip? What the...? Anti-slip grip??
"Dude, dude, dude! SUPER ABSORBENCY, look for the words super absorbency."
"Super tampons?"
"Yeah, pretty much."

Fumbling Around For Something

Just popping in to tell you I'M SIIIIICK. So sick. Do you think you could come over and make me tea and rub my feet? I came home from work Friday night and Violet was screaming - refused to be consoled - and I ended up rocking her to sleep for much of the night. Every time I put her in her crib she'd instantly pop awake and cry miserably, flinging herself all over the place. The weekend was spent in much the same fashion as Friday night. And oh my God, dealing with a sick child must be some motherhood rite of passage that no one told me about because holy shit what a nightmare. Then she turns around and gets better on me and now I'm sick.

So there has been major suckage of life round these parts these past few days. Work is also a source of great frustration for me as of late. I seem to keep getting continually screwed by certain bureaucratic bullshit that is seemingly beyond anyone's control. Most recently I wanted to change a tiny part of my medical insurance for 2010 but was denied because THE DEADLINE HAS PASSED.
But it's not 2010 yet and I just need to change this one thing.
That's what open enrollment was for.
But that was only, like, two weeks ago and I didn't know I needed to change the thing then.
Too bad.

I understand the need for deadlines or else there would apparently be medical mayhem with folks changing up their health benefits every damn day and then what? MADNESS I TELL YOU! MEDICAL MADNESS! It seemed like such a small thing to ask. Bad timing, I suppose. The past three years of my career have been case after case of bad timing. Pay raises lost due to the bad economy. A few months after I got pregnant the company was sold. Then they changed the health insurance so I had to change doctors mid-pregnancy. Months before I gave birth they reduced their maternity leave coverage from 100% to 60% and required women to use all sick/vacation days for maternity leave. Do you know what a motherfucker THAT is when you give birth in January? I've been struggling through this entire year with no vacation and no sick days. I'm home from work today and will not get paid. So I guess that last health benefits thing sent me over the edge. Which leads me to my efforts to pay off my debt. Because I have no sick days, not working today will pretty much eliminate any extra cash I might have this month to pay down the debt.

I guess what I'm trying to say is I'm frustrated. I'm frustrated that I'm at work all day long and we're basically still living paycheck to paycheck. Yeah, yeah, welcome to the world, Monica. At least you have a job. But when it feels like we're trying so hard to save money yet still coming up empty I just get so mad. What am I doing wrong? I guess I'm still spending money on alcohol every week. Couple bottles of wine and some beer. That adds up to $50 a week which is $200 a month. That's a lot.

I've got to stop drinking for so many reasons. $200 a month! That blows my mind. How stupid of me. What kind of Money Makeover is this if I'm still dropping $200 a month on alcohol?

Oh! Oh! Check this out. So I've paid about a thousand bucks toward my credit card over the past couple months. For the last five years my balance has hovered near my limit, which was $2,000. Back in my reckless spending days I'd called the company to ask for a limit increase several times. I was always denied. THANK GOD. But the other day I logged on to my account to check my balance owed. It was still somewhere around $800. But my limit? $6,000! Which, who cares I cut it up already, but it just goes to show how evil those fuckers are. I'm finally paying the card down and they respond by shooting the limit sky high, a $4,000 increase right before Christmas. Ah well. The card is dead. The only thing that new balance will do is help my credit rating.

I'm just frustrated that the getting out of debt thing is going so slowly. But even in writing here I see my mistakes. No more alcohol, for me anyway. Serge can make a bottle of red last a week and I can't take that away from him. Poor dude is already suffering without cable.

Here is what I want to know from you. What are you doing to save money? Also, any ideas to make extra money? I really want to shift this Money Makeover into high gear.

Tiebreaker

**UPDATE

CONGRATULATIONS Digital Bath! You've won $175!

Here's what I've decided to do: anyone who entered THE GREAT EXPERIMENT this month can vote to break the tie. That's twelve of you including Crummy Mummy and Digital Bath. You don't have to vote, in fact, NOT voting could end up being strategic if you see there's going to be a tie again... Anyway, if there's another tie after that (because there's an even number of entrants) I'll make Serge vote and break the tie. How does that sound? Fair? I'll close voting when everyone's voted or by noon tomorrow Mountain Standard Time.

Crummy Mummy - Crummy Mummy Who Drinks

Digital Bath - Slobber Trauma

Tie!

Ladies and gentleman, I believe we have a tie. Which is really funny because she voted for him. The tie is between Digital Bath and Crummy Mummy. Sadie missed making it a three-way tie by one vote. As we've not come up against this one before I am now open for suggestions on how to deal with a tie.

Also, if someone wins THE GREAT EXPERIMENT they are only ineligible from entering the following month. After that they can enter again. Saw that was up for discussion in comments and wanted to clarify.