Friday
17Feb2006
Rockin' The Mormon Muff
I've been rockin' the Mormon Muff for a while now. Please. Don't be so coy... You know what the Mormon Muff is. Think Playboy centerfold circa 1975 and you get the unweildy picture. Hairy and scary.
My friend Natalie and I dubbed the overgrown bush 'Mormon Muff' for various reasons. Natalie, a nurse who has wiled away many moons on the maternity unit has had the unusual yet intriguing opportunity to scrutinize a smorgasbord of poontang.
My personal favorite was the woman who had shaved her business bald and tattooed a growling tiger with fangs across the whole affair.
"But if it's a tiger, why did she shave the hair?" I asked Natalie "Tigers are furry!"
Natalie shrugged. "If she left the hair, you wouldn't see the tiger."
To give credit where credit is due, Tiger Lady had cleverly incorporated her inner lips as the beast's tongue. Whoa fella! Natalie said it looked like he was clawing his way right outta her uterus! The tiger - uncommon. The Mormon Muff - an unfortunately common occurance in the maternity ward at Salt Lake's University Hospital.
God fearing Mormon girls, in the sex game strictly for procreation, don't generally concern themselves much with matters of mowin' the ol' lawn, if you know what I mean. Hence the Mormon Muff. Their "lawn" is in need of a trim more desperately than the front yard of the abandoned house down the street where squatter crack fiends brew meth in the basement.. Suffice it to say, both the former and the latter lawn got some long weeds, yo!
I know it's an unsightly situation I've found myself in... But I just can't bring myself to get her waxed. Very soon I'll have to buy special shampoo and conditioner for my MM because I've avoided waxing my goodtimes for nigh on three months now.
At first it was due to the fact my MM was occupied with the messy matters of womanhood... then I actually made the appointment with my militant neighborhood Polish woman waxer - but got sick.. Forced to cancel. Then The Surge went on tour.. and well.. Max doesn't generally make matters of my nether regions a priority. A walk and a bone and the black boy is good to go... And my black girl stayed.
So MM was left to her own devices. Like a gremlin, she multiplied each night as I slept.. Eating up great square inches of my skin until this morning when took a good gander while showering..
Holy God! My mid section looks like Angela Davis' head during a Black Panther rally - or a black panther, for that matter. (don't know our gal Angela? Google her.. A blog about pussy and important women in American history. Who knew?)
Recently, over a Valentine's day sushi dinner whilst visiting The Surge in Pittsburgh, I tried to prepare him for what was certain to frighten him once the real V-Day activities commenced back in our hotel room. Embarrassed, I labored to explain the state of affairs in Monica Cuntry... To my surprise The Surge responded rather vehemently.
"Don't touch a thing!! I am ALL about the full bush! What is it with these women and the racing stripes? I look at that and all I can think of are men's sideburns.. The armpits though, get 'em waxed already... Ani DiFranco, you ain't."
And so I'm wearin' her wild.. allowing the MM to continue her cuntly coup.
Feb 17, 2006 | The Girl Who... | in Girls Just Wanna Have Fun, Mormonism | 67 Comments | Share Article
Reader Comments (67)
I prefer a crop once in a while. No need to ruin "a moment" by hacking up a pubic hair.
That, my friend, is perhaps the best comment ever made on this blog.. Am cleaning turkey sandwich off my monitor as I type.
Be glad that The Surge has no fear of furry creatures.
1) Don't make small talk with me.
2) Don't wax the same place over and over again. It hurts.
3) Never say "oops."
My last experience was so bad I haven't been waxed since september. Not that anyone's been down there...you know...this year...
Heather - can I be your girl crush? I've always longed for a girl to crush on me...
A: There aren't three wisemen or a virgin.
(ba da boom! StFarmer's on a roll..cooter shears.. oh sweet lord)
Ba-da-da ching.
Have you ever wondered what fish smelled like before women started swimming?
For real though... who the hell invented Feminine Deodorant Spray (FDS)? Now that stuff just smells nasty! Just give me au natural.
God, I hope I don't get banned from posting.
I say, let it grow and be proud!
Heather, I graciously accept.
Are we like, going out? Monica and Heather sittin' in a tree...
In my experience, such that it is, I have found women to be overly wrought with concern over how "theirs" smells/tastes. I can deal with most anything and smile about it. Mostly, I just love eatin' at the Y.
There are however two situations that make me shudder <shudder>. One, a yeast infection... get it treated and get your significant other treated too because if ya don't, it can keep coming back. The second thing, vinegar douche, need I say more? I'm not eating at a salad bar.
I had read it before but hadn't left a comment at the time.
and Monica; K-I-S-S-I-N-G. I know it's a little belated, but will you be my valentine? I love Ellen too and I'm sure the Surge already has that spot, but if it's possible for you to have two valentines, I would be honored.
This post is full of good ones, I loved it!
Keep 'em comin'!
Lovely topic, Monica. Keep 'em comin :-)
"Muff diver's of the world unite"
Morrisey
:)
in toledo someone wrote to tell me my hairstlye was demonic .. really, like the devil was my hairdresser - ...sighh.
im laughing my ass off - is there anyone who stays up late anymore..intelligent life .. anyone anyone
"man, nightline was terrible tonight. time to draft that letter."
"jeees, 'how i met your mother' is just. not. funny. i'm going to see if i can't get that neil patrick harris on the phone and give him a piece of my mind!"
2. hope, thanks to you i have beck's "devil's haircut" stuck in my head.
I think you should knit them for all the wonderful folk who stop by this fantastic cyber-speakeasy!
"YOU my dear girl are the example we don't need, and give them all the ammunition they need"
This makes such good sense to me. It's unfortunate that a group is often publically "represented" by the folks who serve as the worst examples. It happens because these bad example people are often the most vocal, know-it-all, obnoxious of the bunch so they're the ones people look at. The Muslim extremists who "respresent" Muslims in general. The Latrell Sprewells and Dennis Rodmans who represent NBA players in general. The George Bushes who represent Americans in general. The Anna Nicole Smiths and Tara Reids who represent blondes in general. :)
The good examples are the ones who don't shout at the world, don't force their way into the spotlight, don't use their religion/status/position/hair color to justify their bad behavior. Thanks, timpanogos, for being a good example.
As far as Sarah and her ignorant ass comment... I know why you moved. It's not too different from the southern Baptist righteousness I grew up with in Texas. But gawd, it's exhausting!
As a nurse and gym-goer I´ve come across more female pubic hair than anyone could handle.
Not only am I an expert, I have a pubic-hair-burn-out-syndrom.
I´ve seen, smelled and cleaned bushes of all kinds, colors and structures, straight, curly, even longer than the womans head-hair and often of a different color.
Not only is it unacceptable from an aesthetic point of view, it stinks and contains lumps of various secretions, excretions and toilet paper...it´s also too often attributed with haired armpits and legs and flabby breasts worn without bras.
Quite common in younger women is the combination with henna-red (head-)hair, a degree in social education and interest in esoterics, but that may be a German phenomenon (I live there). Or they´re older and show no interest in anything at all.
I really appreciate female muslim patients´ neat and clean odour-reduced muschis.
Now that You´ve got me thinking about it: in fact, I´ve seen disproportionally few female patients on my ICU with a tidy waxing or shaving.
Which makes me look for a correlation between physical health and genital hairdo:
1. women who end up on ICU have been ill for so long they´ve been preoccupied with existential questions and stopped minding the forest down-there
2. women who don´t take care of their bushes tend to neglect their bodies in general, which makes them more prone to disease
3. a neat landing strip keeps you healthy!!
Personally, I wax in summer, in winter a quick shave is enough.
MM´s never an option for me!
Love Your blog. Keep going!
Growing up I was never taught or told to shave, wax or trim it. Just wasn't something I really knew about until I got older. I knew to shave my legs and armpits, that's it.
When I got older I found out a lot of women do shave there. I tried it once. And the itching drove me crazy as my hair grew back. It's terrible walking down the aisle of the grocery store and you have this terrible itch that you just can't scratch because of other people around.
I didn't shave there again. Unfortunately, I have very thick hair, top of my head and down there.
While I shave my legs during the summer, sorry folks during the winter I just get lazy. I joke around saying that it keeps my legs warmer.
After many years of not trying to shave there again, last year I did. Not completely, I trimmed it up with scissors and used a electric shaver. Will not shave the whole thing off, because well I just think being completely bald down there is just wrong!!!! JMO...
So Monica welcome to the club, it's not just a Mormon Muff because well I'm not mormon.
Oh yeah just cause I let my "bush" grow doesn't mean I don't take care of myself or that I have any diseases. I am quite healthy. Thank you!
For me - it's wax or nothing... the shaver frightens me in that area and I don't dig razor burn. Plus I already have enough acreage to shave every damn day.