I would hoot and holler with the best of 'em... and I'll be fuckered If I won't tip more too! The ladies will love me! I'll be a hit with the strip club AND my new boyfriend, The Surge. My roommate Anjee and her boyfriend agreed to make it a foursome.. And so we set out to Golden Trails, visions of tasseled nipples dancing in our heads.
It began innocently enough - if a creamy skinned red head waving jumbo melons uncomfortably close to my face while I giggled awkwardly is innocent - then yes, it began innocently enough.
Pitchers of beer arrived... brimming with amber hued suds. Shots of ice cold Jagermeister disappeared down my stomach faster than chocolate cake in a third world village... And before I knew it I was hammered. Is there anything uglier than a loud and lewd drunk woman? Paris Hilton has nothing on me.
As ZZ Top cranked to a close the DJ, yes there was a DJ, announced the next gal' to hit the pole..
"Gentleman... and ladies" (at this, the gap toothed, gold chained wonder tossed an especially lecherous wink in my and Anjee's direction) "comin' to the stage right now.. please give a warm welcome to CHERRRRRY!"
"Cherry" blasted out from behind the velvet curtain in a fury of bronze and blonde, the raucous strains of - what else - Warrants "Cherry Pie" vibrating from strategicallly placed speakers..
Now, up to this point Anjee and I had pulled off our cool-chicks-in-a-strip-club-and-we-ain't-bothered-a-bit routine. As we like to consider ourselves free thinking gals who support our sisters trying to make a buck... we felt good. We tipped big, smiling at strippers as if we were in on the joke.. Until Cherry trotted down the runway and clamped the gold pole between two rock hard thighs.
She was hot.
I sneaked a peek at The Surge. There he sat, beer frozen halfway to his mouth as he tried for and failed at a nonchalant demeanor while watching Cherry.. Our gal promptly proceeded to fling herself around two golden poles like Nadia Comaneci in the Olympic finals.
Anjee and I attempted to regain our too-cool-for-strip-club composure, displaying our ease by generously acknowledging the obvious beauty of the woman.
"She's got amazing legs.. she must be, like, six feet tall." Anjee said casually while taking a sip of beer.
"Her hair is beautiful. I don't think those are extensions, either." I agreed. See! I was pleased with myself. Look how complimentary I am... I'm not an envious girly girl.
The Surge squinted at me skeptically.
"What?" You think all girls are jealous maniacs?" I said coolly as Cherry pointed her taut moneymaker in our direction and shook it like a polaroid picture.
"Puh-leez.." Anjee agreed. "It's all about appreciating beauty."
The Surge and Anjee's boyfriend exchanged doubtful looks before attempting to call our bluff..
Anjee's boyfriend slid a crisp Andrew Jackson between Cherry's mountainous cleavage then said "she IS beautiful." I watched Anjee's jaw clench as she tried to restrain herself from her usual sarcastic commentary. She defied my expectations and made a fantastic recovery by managing to throw a fiver near Cherry's shiny lucite platform stilletos.. Well played girlfriend.
Perhaps convinced by our glossy feminist veneer and only about a month into discovering the depths of my deceptive personality, The Surge ventured a toe into the pool.
"Yeah.. she is pretty. You think those are real or fake?"
Fueled with 3 parts Jager and one part jealousy I turned on The Surge like a rabid dog - foam at the mouth included..
"Oh why don't you just go fuck her, you sexist prick!"
So much for cool.. Ah well.. At least I tried.