Wednesday
05Apr
It Would Suck To Be Straight
Wednesday, April 5, 2006 .jpg){kind=spacer}
My Gay Ambassador Henry would henceforth like to be known as Marco.
"Henry doesn't suit me." He sulked after I wrote about him in Back When I Was Hot and referred to him as Henry.
"I don't look like a Henry do I?" He says 'Henry' in a nerdy, nasal voice, his lips puckered into a butthole. "You should call me Marco!" He purrs the word Marco in the same way one would say Antonio Banderrrras, the rolling of R's.. oozing sex appeal. "Mention my shiny, black hair" he tells me, "and my big full lips."
"Okay Marco. But tell me another story."
We're at work. It's 2:14am and we've just completed our various writing assignments. Me: riots in Brooklyn, Marco: the battle over where to build the new Yankee Stadium. Now we're trying to pass the time. Marco is eating fresh fruit as fitness conscious gay men do. I'm slobbering on miniature candy bars I stole from The Candy Drawer. Night peers in the windows that surround us, makes us feel like we're in a casino.
"Okay!" Marco doesn't need to be asked twice. He loves to dish. And I love to listen, as his weekend activities usually encompass more sex with strangers than my early twenties.
"So I was at the gym last Thursday...and I went into the steam room..." Marco trails off as an editor walks by. He waits until the coast is clear then continues in a hushed, conspiratorial tone that forces me to lean across the low cubical wall that separates us.
"So I go into the steam room and--"
"Were you naked?"
"Just a towel. The hot Latin boy I've noticed a couple times is already taking a steam."
"Alone?"
"Yep. It's just the two of us. So, I sit down on the bench."
"Do you take your towel of right away?" I ask.
"Good lord no! You have to be subtle. If someone walks in all agressive-like, it ruins it. That's creepy."
"Even if they're totally hot and coming on to you?"
"Yes.. It's a subtle dance. Small moves. Eye contact. Body language."
"Smiling?" I ask.
"NO SMILING! It's not a bar. It's all body language"
"Okay, so keep going." I urge.
" He moves closer. I move closer. I get hard. He gets hard."
"When do the towels come off?" I shout. My co-worker, who is notoriously powered by Jesus, glances sharply at Marco and me whispering like two school girls.
"SSSSHHHH! Pay attention." Marco hisses. "It's all very subtle. I stretch, the towel slips a little, reveals a lot.. you know."
"No, I don't. That's why I'm asking. I've never picked up on a strange gay man in a stream room before. So it's like a little peep show?"
"Yes.. And the harder and more erect you get the more nonchalant you act."
"And you don't know this guy at all?" I ask incredulously
"Never met him."
"Haven't said a word?"
"Talking ruins it." Marco is staring at my chest. Your breasts look delicious today. I could hang pretzels on your nipples!"
"If you weren't gay I'd smack you! It's cold!" I slump and cross my arms protectively over my chest. "Now finish your story!"
"We start jacking each other off." He promptly continues.
"What if somebody comes in?"
"Well, you play it cool.. Wait to see if they're cool with it. It all depends. One time I walked in and eight guys were going at it! Once they saw I was cool with it they just kept going"
"Jesus..." I am agog.
"So now he goes down on me."
"No way!"
"Of course!" Marco looks offended that I might imply the strange man at the gym wouldn't go down on him. "So I cum pretty fast."
"Did he swallow? Do gay guys swallow?"
"There's a breed that does. I went through a spell where I did. But I don't so much anymore. Do Mormon girls swallow?"
"I do." I giggle.
"So.. I go down on him BUT HE DOESN'T CUM. He's taking forever and I am damn near dehydrating, sweating in all that steam. So finally I say 'let poppa take care of this' and I jam my finger up his ass."
I am speechless.
"Of course, he cums right away" Marco continues matter of factly. "And that was that." My Gay Ambassador casually takes another bite of his salad.
"Did you get his phone number?" I ask.
"Oh, honey, that's cute. No we don't talk. You never talk. It's all body language."
"Wow." I manage to sputter. "I cannot even begin to imagine--"
"I know. It would suck to be straight. Y'all are boooring."
Reader Comments (27)
I want Marco to be my friend! I need a fun, gay friend. I'm forwarding this to all my friends. Impersonal, gay, sex stories. A good way to start the day :)
That's the thing about the gay lifestyle that I really don't understand (or want to understand). Much of it seems predicated purely on the carnal.
I suppose a life spent having sex on the sly and being ostracized changes a lot of the rules.
I lived in a predominately gay neighborhood in the mid-80's, and was shocked to be followed, hit-on, and otherwise harassed, even if I was just walking my dog at night, or coming home from work.
I always wondered how total stranger's who didn't know me or anything about me, would think I was a candidate for consensual sex?
To me that's superficial and total objectification.
Is that now the norm?
.
"I could hang pretzels from your nipples?" What a creative imagination. Imagine what (else) he does with his gay bits.
janet
p.s. Monica, I know you don't like working nights, but you write fabulous stuff when you do, so I don't share your pain. Besides, I think everyone should work that shift at some point in their lives. It's a completely different world against the same backdrop. Weird.
"I lived in a predominately gay neighborhood in the mid-80's, and was shocked to be followed, hit-on, and otherwise harassed, even if I was just walking my dog at night, or coming home from work.
I always wondered how total stranger's who didn't know me or anything about me, would think I was a candidate for consensual sex?"
a) Now you know what it's like being a woman.
b) It only counts as a one night stand if you never see the person again.
I'm as "boring" as they.. ahem.. come, by Marco's standard, yet... I still think this post is slightly hot.
b) It only counts as a one night stand if you never see the person again.
April 5, 2006 | Sicksadworld
a) I knew that was comin' sicksad, and touche. Maybe that's another reason that I identify with this here blog. I think sex is cheapened "the Marco way."
b) Never has happened to me. I've always seen the person again.
Thanks for your brilliant photo album
Thanks for a very vivid look at Marco's world, before breakfast - I might skip it altogether, now.
Brings a whole new meaning to the phrase 'gay abandon'. I just hope he gets his bloods done - frequently.
(And ditto what Jib and Dan said!)
:-)
Once upon a time I did try and rationalize that if homosexuals could be “morally gay” that would somehow make being gay acceptable. In reality a “moral gay” is an oxy-moron. I would find this disturbing no matter what someone’s sexual orientation however this is an all too familiar story.
I feel I have to put on my “game face’ and pretend I’m ok with it yet in reality I feel otherwise.
And having a chick stick her finger up your ass (assuming you like that sort of thing) is completely different, from having sex with a man.
Morally gay IS an oxymoron. Who cares if less than 1 out of 100 male homosexuals could be considered “morally gay”? You can always point out the exception to the rule. The facts are that male homosexuals (in general) are extremely promiscuous with sky high STD rates that go back to dawn of AIDS. Statistics back this entire up. The USCDC just did another study on male homosexual promiscuity, that affirms the trend.
Your article even reflects this.
Hater? If that means hating this kind of immoral behavior, it acceptance, and its future collective effect on society, then yes guilty as charged.