Friday
07Apr2006
I Am Trying To Break Your Heart
You can never really know someone. One minute you're happily married, the next you're discovering their secret cross dressing habit.. or their porn addiction.. or maybe they like to pick their nose and eat it, which I personally consider MUCH worse than the first two.. Whatever. Regardless of how solid you think your stance is, the rug could be pulled from beneath your feet at any moment. Happens all the time.
Look at the lady down the street whose husband is having an affair with his secretary. She'll find out in about six months. Divorce. How 'bout the happily married man at work who rapes girls when he isn't dutifully crunching numbers and paying his taxes like a good American. Or, for example, the drug addicted housewife who doesn't know who she is without the uppers anymore. There are things about me no one knows. No I don't have bodies buried in my backyard, but there are thoughts I think that I don't share.. not even with The Surge.
It makes me wonder what we're all hiding. Perhaps your secret would be a dealbreaker in your relationship.. maybe not. Do you have the guts to find out? And it ain't even the secrets.. it's the ugly potential inside us all to misbehave. When push comes to shove, will you fuck up? Will you cheat? If provoked, are you capable of murdering someone? Oh, you might laugh at the notion now.. but things escalate, life happens. The rest of your life, decided in an instant.
I have a friend from Utah.. got behind the wheel after one too many and plowed into a group of girls walking down the sidewalk for a sleepover. One was killed. Snap your fingers. That's how quickly his life changed. From a dorm room to a cell. Well, the difference between a dorm or a cell is negligible, but you know what I mean.
The ugly potential in all of us. Movies like Unfaithful.. Where Diane Lane's character has a good life.. but before you can say 'desperate housewife' she's cheating on her husband in the most rapturous of ways.. and she can't stop. The Surge.. he's on the road all the time. Hot guy in a band. Lots of women around. The potential for shenanigans is high. Yet, I don't worry. Not because I'm one of those gals that say 'not my husband, he's not like that'.. because generally it IS their husband that's engaging in all the nefarious extracurricular activities. I don't worry about The Surge cheating... and I'm not sure why. It wouldn't be a dealbreaker for me. Maybe that's why. Why wouldn't it be a dealbreaker? Hmmmm.. that's maybe a discussion for another time. Suffice it to say, if I found out The Surge had sex with someone else, we would ultimately be okay.. If I found out he was in love with someone else, well, that's a different can of worms altogether. I would be gone.
The ugly potential. What we're each capable of... That's why we'll never really know each other.. and that's why soulmates are bullshit. I hate that word. Soulmate. What does it mean? A hopeful way of saying I was meant to be with this person, I s'pose. But don't call someone your soulmate unless you're over the age of 90 and have been cohabitating with said soulmate for at least 50 years. Then, maybe. Until then quit bandying the word about.
You never really know someone.. Walk in the door to your own home and you immiediately begin a series of small assessments, whether you're aware or not.. Mood: Bad? Okay, is it the kind of bad mood where your significant other wants to play the 'what's wrong' game, or is it the kind of bad mood in which you need to act chipper because they are looking for a fight. How should I act? What should I say? You can pretend like this doesn't happen in your relationship.. but it does.. It's like blinking.. You just don't notice it anymore..
I feel the strain of relating to someone else more because The Surge is gone for long periods so the only person I come home to is Max.. and we all know what dogs are like when you walk in the door. But when The Surge returns from being on the road, the air crackles with his special brand. Passion, love, the smell of stir-fry and manliness linger in the air like cologne. There is a completely different vibe when I come home from work... and the assessment begins. That's not to say it's a bad thing.. It's nice to walk into a loved one's arms after a tough day... when they're welcoming. But the constant mood monitoring can be draining.
If the loved one is ornery.. you have to choose whether to escalate with moodiness of your own or play the opposite card.. Perking yourself up to play the optimist.. That's what couples do. Even "soulmates"
Apr 7, 2006
Reader Comments (53)
you're right, you absolutely NEVER really know someone. I thought I knew, I acutally believed in my heart of hearts that he couldn't/wouldn't cheat, and yet he did.
it's about finding out if you can handle their ugly potential. their deep dark thoughts and secrets.
and if he can handle mine.
I also acknowledge the fact that people do really fucked up things sometimes with little or no thought to how their actions hurt other people...usually the act is out of insecurity or needing to find a feeling that they aren't getting with what they already have.
That being said: I have no evidence that people can change this kind of behavior. Perhaps it's not natural for two people to be together forever. That's okay with me. But to make promises and then break them, and then lie...it's a viscious cycle that never really ends and only causes an immense amount of pain.
I guess the moral is: If you want to fuck someone else or if you are interested in someone else, have the decency to let the other person know and have that same option, and not leave them there, their mouth wide open feeling like they have just been blasted in the stomach with a canon ball.
And he makes me laugh.
And he thinks I'm hot, even when I am fat and pregnant. (Must be because we're newlyweds).
Will it last forever. I sure hope so. I will work hard to make sure it does. Yes. But I also get worried about the whole issue of whether or not two people should be together forever. And I worry if i'm someone who can.
But shit I'm continue to work on being the best husband I can be. I know I'm not the best. But I will try.
(continued on "your stories" because I digress)
My boyfriend having sex wouldn't be a dealbreaker for me either, but don't tell him that.
I always thought windbreakers had something to do with spicy food.
As to the post, I'm with you, Monica. The notion of my wife having sex with someone else would hit me hard because I'd probably interpret it as about ME: did she like it better with him than with me; did I fail somewhere.
But the idea of her falling in love with someone even without the sex (I think they call it the 'emotional affair') would be about HER; about a choice she had made to depart; to transfer her emotional attachment to someone else.
And that would be the "Sayonara sweetheart. Thanks for playing the game. Here are your lovely parting gifts." moment for me.
(Pardon the muddled thoughts.)
Incidentally, my boyfriend says his "indian" name is Breaking Wind.
The more I think about it, the angrier I get at the fact that I have come to accept cheating like I accept a strange "quirk," like mismatching socks on purpose. Fuck that. It's not cool.
This is why men get their dicks cut off.
At this point, though, you probably don't have to worry about him cheating. But if he stops writing cheesy songs like "The Apartment," then maybe you'll be suspicious that something is up. :-)
See, i am married. I have a young son, 18 months old, a pistol, and I am fine w/ folks making arrangments w. each other, in terms of sexual needs, but what i don't get is why get married in the first place.
i have been married for five years. i am not a rock star but i could get laid fairly easily if i wanted to (always did before), gimme 2 months. The point is my wife's the only one I want.My question is what was the idea behind the vows originally, what did you (both) hope to get from the formality of marriage that made it attractive at all?, because I have to say, this smacks of serious rationalization to me.
The Surge probably has a bunch more temptation than I do, but marriage is marriage, you can't have it both ways, especially if you shove it down everyone else's throat.(See the Apartment, song's sentiment isn't really the same for me in this light).
If y'all are supposed to be in serious love, then i myself do not buy that blowing a load in some gal who hung around till last call at dingwalls as a fitting afirmation of that feeling, or any romantic feeling, to be honest.the romance can't survive the rationalization, in my mind at least. Because, honestly, an orgasm is cheap, when it comes down to it, unless it's with someone you really give a shit about.
When I said I do, it wasn't, oh by the way, if you leave me for a couple of months out of the year, feel free to open your vagina to assorted and sundry men as you see fit, i trust you baby, your decisions on strange penises are A-OK w/ me!!!!
I mean come, on. why be married at all, if that's the case? you can't tell me that's the spirit of the commitment. So what are we really talking about here, if you get semi-famous, is the Surge cool w/ you taking a lover some lonely night? As long as you don't look at him the same way, or some shit like that, i don't believe you can be as sensitive and perceptive as you obviously are and be cool with that.
There, in my mind, is the conflict.
You talk about ugly potential and follow that up w/ some pretty bad generalizations (someone's husband is just raping people on the side? I'm not saying it doesn't happen episodically but that's not really the road we're on is it? is this how we're supposed to evaulate relationships, worst-case (horrible!!) scenarios across the board). My wife doesn't know everything about every thought that runs through my mind, but this assumption that all of us are operating at our most depraved depths smacks of self-coddling.
If you want to go all soul mates on me, I guess that's valid. My belief is that sex is pretty integral to marriage.
Hate to be negative but i'm hoping for a serious dialogue.
Mike
Marriage vows or no, I'm not someone who views sex as the end all be all and I don't think that devalues my commitment. I believe I said if he fell in love with someone else I'd be gone.. If he were to cheat on me, it wouldn't be the end. It wouldn't be pretty, but it wouldn't be the end. Period. We don't have an "arrangement".. I married the dude because I was crazy in love with him and vice versa. I wasn't advising folks to evaluate relationships based on the ugly potential in all of us.. was just ruminating on how you can never really know someone and tossed out a few worst case scenarios.. and a few daily ones i.e. walking in from work and assessing the mood of your significant other..
Thanks for the well thought out comment, I love a good debate.
P.S. I will be honest, I considered what Dan had to say about maybe I don't view extramarital sex as the end because the possibility for The Surge cheating is higher and I'm subconciously preparing myself for what could happen.. but that isn't it either. I had this opinion on sex and cheating before I met The Surge.. and to be quite honest, The Surge hates that I feel this way. He feels similar to the way you do, is certainly more passionate on the subject than I and were I to cheat, I believe he'd leave me.
These days, my secrets...the things about the road that I hide from your faraway ears....are simply the amount of damn candy I eat by myself next to a cold running hotel shower. Sexy, huh?
Get to me.
Surge
For me, if Leo cheated, that would likely be a dealbreaker. I can't imagine moving on after that betrayal in trust. If our love changes down the road, I just want to know that it's over before he moves on to someone else. I know it would be a dealbreaker for him. He loves my outgoing personality & accepts my (sometimes) flirty self because that's who I am & he trusts that I would never cross that line.
Monica, I don't believe Serge's potential for cheating is higher because he's a musician & he's on the road a great deal. I would guess that he's already had a taste of that lifestyle & chose you above it all because he saw in you all that he wanted. Faithfulness is not about a lack of opportunity to cheat.
janet
I'd say soulmate means something different to every single person.
However, I wish I could button my pants without having to move my boobs out of the way.
janet
Exactly... it's sort of the luck of the draw on this one for me, although my own mood is definitely a factor.
A
Being "quite" realistic would be saying that the more you smother someone and don't give them freedom, the unhappier they will be and the more likely it is they will stray. And even THAT doesn't matter.
People will cheat if they want to cheat. Period. It has nothing to do with their occupation and all to do with how they feel about themselves.
Excellent blog!
my anxiety fuels these kind of questions in my mind way more often than I would like to admit. good to know other people bat it around.
my fiance has taught me a lot about this. he will flat out tell me 'i love you now today, but i can't make you promises about tomorrow'. in response to things that suggest that he may 'ever ever' do anything.
as much as the idea that he can't affirm absolutes in our marriage makes me cringe, yet there is a tremendous amount of comfort in knowing that he can be that honest with himself, and me.
truth is, we don't know. we change so much its impossible to be certain of the future, and to admit that we are all very 'capable' as the next guy of commiting any number of infidelities, is probably the most important thing to be mindful of and honest about in a relationship.
good post!
~stella
I couldn't have said it better.
“There are things about me no one knows. No I don't have bodies buried in my backyard, but there are thoughts I think that I don't share…” Don’t we all? I mingle with people, get close at times. I don’t talk about every thing, and I don’t think I can, even if I wanted to. There is something of our own space that each of us has, and has the full right to. Certain thoughts that are ours, and ours alone. Most of us want it for ourselves, and few respect it when it comes to those we love. What you have written just shows that you do.
Ha ha! I hate the term ‘soulmates’ as well. I also hate ‘best friend’, and some times ‘relationship’ and ‘friend’ as well. But that is a different issue altogether. At the same time, I love the way certain couples are so in love, though I fear that it mite not go all too well.
The ugly potential. I would call it a trait of being human!
I love the way you write and would be reading more. Its seriously an honour to have you visit and comment on my blog. Thanx!
I do agree that we all have secrets. But when I got married, I told everything to my husband, I mean really everything. He was really grateful for that and although he doesn't understand sometimes why I acted this way, he accepted my past and we got married.
But it's different if we're talking about a one-off incident that everyone regrets rather than an arrangement of what happens on the road stays on the road. I probably went too far with the idea of an arrangement. I think now you were talking more about a single slip-up sort of thing.
To be honest, any harshness in my response was probably based on the fact that I'm really rooting for you guys from my outsider's perspective after reading about some of your struggles w/ marriage and moving to NYC.
I've been going to see Marah for five or six years by now, talked to the guys a bunch of times, and have to say, at least in my limited experience, Serge seems as happy and vital as anyone I've ever met since you showed up. It's even reflected in how amazing the last album was, how he's taking a bigger role, singing so much, writing more idiosyncratic, original tunes. I attended the X-mas show in Philly and was touched when he blurted out: "Dream on, baby, I love you so much," at the end of Dishwasher's Dream (check out the recording if you haven't) before wailing away like a madman on that harmonica. You just don't see that kind of passion and sincerity anywhere these days, and it's part of why I've followed them all this time, and want to see them get the recognition (fame and financial windfall) they deserve.
I clicked through to this site from the Marah one, and was skeptical at first since I'm decidedly not a fan of Bridget Jones-type girlie fiction or even blogs really but I've been impressed by the honesty displayed, the tone, tenor, intelligence and sensibility of the writing. So good luck w/ your book and your marriage and everything else, and take care.
Mike
Sometimes it's the comments that we don't like from people that are the ones we need to hear the most. Bash my views and comments all you want but a few years down the road, it's me you'll remember....
"Cheers"
Joan of Arc? There's the whole 15th century problem.
Joan Rivers? Yup, definitely Joan Rivers.