Wednesday
05Jul2006
Identity Crisis
I am standing on the edge of a rather high cliff.. below is water. Yes. There is water. But it's a long fucking jump, yo. Will the water be warm? Will it be ice cold? Shocking my system into paralyzation. Or action? Will I flap about vigorously in my frantic effort to get somewhere or will I sink like a stone? What to do. Knowing me, I'll sit around on this here cliff, sometimes dangling my feet over the edge, but mostly laying about, occasionally peeping over the edge, often talking about leaping off the edge.. but never jumping. But maybe I will. You just never know.
The computer doctor says my hard drive is terminally ill and is, for all intents and purposes, brain dead. That's why there have been no photos as of late. Which is not to say I haven't been taking any. I have a slew of goodies from the 4th and am sure to take a bunch in London this week... Eventually I'll resurrect the poor computer with a hard drive transplant.. Not now though, I only have one day here in Brooklyn. We leave for London tonight.
I am seriously contemplating moving from NYC. It's nice, yes. Interesting. Fast paced. But I want wide open spaces. Grass that I can call my own. Lakes close enough to walk, or at least drive to. Here, I have drank more alcohol than I did in my entire life previous to moving cross country. Here, I spend much of my time with acquaintances in bars. Acquaintances with whom very occasionally we accidentally stumble into meaningful conversations. That's different from real friends who share their troubles and fears, who don't anesthetize the hurt of life with liquor. I don't know. Perhaps I am depressed and blaming it on my location instead of myself. Grass Is Greener Syndrome. If I don't feel so suffocated in my neighborhood maybe I'll be happier. But when I get my own plot of grass and bitch about having to mow the lawn. Again, who knows?
I don't know who I am. What it is I'm about, what I want.. Some days I want to live in the city among creative people, write a book, and follow The Surge's band to Europe. Other times I want to move to the mountains, start a garden, walk my dog and yes, maybe even have a baby.
I feel crowded all the time. In my apartment, on the sidewalk, at the park, on the subway. I miss space. Driving my own car. Activities with friends that don't include drinking. Maybe I gave up and am just not making the most of all this city has to offer. I could forge my own lifestyle here instead of going with the flow. I can explore on my own. Then I think, for the rent I'm paying I could afford an extremely nice house in cheaper climates. I could make a home for my family. No, I don't want to live in the suburbs. I want to live where where I can't see the nearest neighbor for all the trees. I know places like that. I miss places like that.
London, soon. Must go pack.
The computer doctor says my hard drive is terminally ill and is, for all intents and purposes, brain dead. That's why there have been no photos as of late. Which is not to say I haven't been taking any. I have a slew of goodies from the 4th and am sure to take a bunch in London this week... Eventually I'll resurrect the poor computer with a hard drive transplant.. Not now though, I only have one day here in Brooklyn. We leave for London tonight.
I am seriously contemplating moving from NYC. It's nice, yes. Interesting. Fast paced. But I want wide open spaces. Grass that I can call my own. Lakes close enough to walk, or at least drive to. Here, I have drank more alcohol than I did in my entire life previous to moving cross country. Here, I spend much of my time with acquaintances in bars. Acquaintances with whom very occasionally we accidentally stumble into meaningful conversations. That's different from real friends who share their troubles and fears, who don't anesthetize the hurt of life with liquor. I don't know. Perhaps I am depressed and blaming it on my location instead of myself. Grass Is Greener Syndrome. If I don't feel so suffocated in my neighborhood maybe I'll be happier. But when I get my own plot of grass and bitch about having to mow the lawn. Again, who knows?
I don't know who I am. What it is I'm about, what I want.. Some days I want to live in the city among creative people, write a book, and follow The Surge's band to Europe. Other times I want to move to the mountains, start a garden, walk my dog and yes, maybe even have a baby.
I feel crowded all the time. In my apartment, on the sidewalk, at the park, on the subway. I miss space. Driving my own car. Activities with friends that don't include drinking. Maybe I gave up and am just not making the most of all this city has to offer. I could forge my own lifestyle here instead of going with the flow. I can explore on my own. Then I think, for the rent I'm paying I could afford an extremely nice house in cheaper climates. I could make a home for my family. No, I don't want to live in the suburbs. I want to live where where I can't see the nearest neighbor for all the trees. I know places like that. I miss places like that.
London, soon. Must go pack.
Jul 5, 2006
Reader Comments (25)
What is it you hope for yourself? What are you running from? What has made you so restless & depressed?
Will moving change any of that?
Like Sugar Valley?
Monica you are amazingly talented with much to offer. It seems as though you have come on some hard times since your recent departure from the news business...this major change will cause many of the thoughts you have been having, but make life altering changes, such as moves very carefully and with much thought.
One of my best friends has said so often...I will behappy when.....when the when happened, it didn't make her any happier, she was just waiting for the next thing that would make her happy. This is a hard way to live....she has in recent years worked hard to break this habit, but it is possible. I know when I am going though a hard time I always say, I just need xyz (insert whatever that might be for you marriage, baby etc) and know that it is exactly what you don't need right now, you just think you do because it will help you avoid facing what it is you need to be dealing with.
Have a great trip to London, enjoy your husband and your time away...the storm will pass with work, whcih it seems like you are doing. Travel safe.
And oh yeah, there's alcohol everywhere you go. fwiw.
janet
I also have to say that I disagree with the sentiment that making a big change during a time of transition and upheaval is inherently wrong. When the pressure is on, you are forced to take a look at yourself and your life. Course corrections are a part of life. Many of my best decisions were made when the heat was on.
I'd like to nominate you to be a presidential adviser--NOW!!!
Try to do some of what you crave right there in NYC. Meet at a park, bookstore, or art gallery instead of a bar. Have a picnic or dinner party (no alcohol if you want) instead of dinner out or drinks. (even the smallest studio apt. can fit a small dinner party). Go for walks, use a park or gym to walk, run, or play sports. Go swimming, take the train to the beach or to a less populated area, etc.
You've probably thought of all that and more yourself; I just wanted to try to be helpful and that's all I could come up with. I know whenever I'm in New York I end up meeting firends for drinks, it's the most convenient thing to do, but I know if you try you can come up with alternatives, as long as your friedns are willing too.
I've been searching for years for the perfect place, where houses are cheap but jobs pay well, where the majority of people are not racist or homophobic, where the beaty of nature coexists with the amenities of a city. I'm sure you can guess that I've never found this place yet and nevr will.
But I try to enjoy where I am until I find a place that is close enough. I'm sure you will do the same with NY, enjoy what it has to offer and make the best of it in your own way until you find the place that suits you and your husband more at this time of your life. People change and our needs change too, and one place does not always meet our needs for our entire lives. As far as I'm concerned there is nothing wrong wit moving to find the place that suits you if you can do it. (sorry this is so long)
And enjoy London! It's seriously warm here... humid and sicky. Although having been to NYC in July, probably no different from the place you're leavng.
Dan
I don't think listening to your longings means you are running away or having the "grass is greener" syndrome. It's about having a quality of life that fulfills you. For some it is an urban setting. For others it is more bucolic. And sometimes, it is having the combination of the two...
don't worry too much about the grass is greener syndrome. You are in a very difficult time with decisions to take that are hard and scary. No wonder you feel anxious when you don't know what you want/can do jobwise or whether maybe the quiet family life would be more suitable. You have been thrown into a situation where suddenly you have to decide about different options and confront feelings that might have been buried while you were still in your news job. Try and focus on what you like and on who you love and one day you will know where you belong! There are people who love you and you have loads of fans out here who love your writing! Take Max to the next park, lie in the grass and just look up in the sky for a while - enjoy the small niceties in life.
All the best!
I find it funny that people think of leaving the very place I'm trying to run to.
Now I like a smoky bar just like anyone else, but honestly - I can't for the life of me justify going to a bar and drinking as one of life's greatest joys. Plus, I generally go to drink to get drunk and my conversational skills aren't at the top of mind during those nights. This is my tip to you - stranger to stranger - sign up for something (lessons, classes, etc.) and participate wholeheartedly. And get out of your own head (and the smoky bars and your apt.) and into the outside.
go where it feels good!
i was also wondering how you got your flicker picture thing there on the side. id really like to do something like that but cant figure it out for the life of me. do you need a pro flickr account? is that it?
I am a first time poster and I think you do some great work here. I'll tell you what, I used to live in the Chicago area and now I live in the winehills of Southern Illinois and I could never go back. No more giant billboards and expensive cars and pretensious assholes. It's cheap. It's open. Lots of shade and haunted places. I can let my beagle Riley run free. Now, I'm not trying to advertise Southern Illinois here, no way. But if you need to go, you need to go.
Say hi to Serge for me and let me know if he's read any of the books I gave to him in St. Louis.
Cheers,
JB
Might I reccomend the same to you?
BTR (new reader, first-time poster).
Talk soon then?
Hell, how do you think I got through high school??
Welcome HOOOOMMMMEEEE!