Monday
07Aug2006
The Girl Whisperer
I've just come off a 3 or 7 hour stint watching THE DOG WHISPERER. If you don't know who this brilliant gem of a man is then do yourself a favor and turn on the National Geographic Channel. Right now! It's DOG WHISPERER week!
The show's opening credits show us the silhouette of a lone man against a fiery Los Angeles sunset. Behold, it's Cesar Millan A.K.A. The Dog Whisperer. He's jogging steadily toward us, golden sunlight tinging the dust he kicks up.. Behind Cesar? His dog pack. A deep voiced announcer booms "When good dogs go bad, there's one man who's their best friend: Cesar Milan". Cue Cesar voice over as a montage of genius dog rehab moments flash before our eyes!
"No dog is too much for me to handle. I rehabilitate dogs, I train people. I AM The Dog Whisper."
Cesar Millan is a genius with the dogs. He made his career rehabilitating Pit Bulls, Rottweilers and Dobermans. But if you've got a pissy Poodle or a mean Mutt Cesar's your man. I watched him tame a frothing, spitting Kujo of a dog like a snake charmer for God's sake! The idiot owners stand agog as Cesar deftly works his special brand of canine hocus pocus. Before your very eyes hissing Chihuahua's morph into lovey dog babies. Teeth baring Pit Bulls transform into tail-wagging dog buddies.
Oh Cesar! More calming than my usual medication of sitcoms and laugh tracks. I want to put the diminutive cabbage patch-faced fella right IN MY POCKET. Fuck the dogs! He could be my life coach!.. And when I stumble into this chaotic situation or that I could pull him out so he could guide me in his darling Spanish accent.
"SSSHHHT!" He'd strictly hush his trademark when I begin to blubber. Actually, Cesar would sense the onslaught of tears and "SSSHHHT" me before I had a chance to cry. He's that good. And when I successfully put the kibosh on the tears, backed off from attacking The Surge or the bitch lady on the subway, Cesar would proffer a treat. Perhaps a Dorito or maybe a handful of Skittles! Then maybe he'd ruffle my hair and pat me on the back. I'd like that.
Picture it: I'm pre-menstrual, circling The Surge like an angry Pit Bull, ready to attack him for LEAVING HIS FUCKING BEARD TRIMMINGS IN THE SINK. AGAIN! After I spot the dadgummed trimmings, I immediately bolt down the hall to where The Surge is happily reading The Post, my bare feet slapping the hardwood like hands on a bongo... I'm almost there.. I will give that motherfucker a piece of my------
"SSSHHHHTT!"
What?
Lo and behold! It's Cesar! He sensed my attack and pre-empted! I stop, momentarily confused and then I forget to attack. And I get a Dorito! What could be better? Well, if I'm PMS-ing he better follow the Dorito with a Twinkie.. and all will be well.
The show's opening credits show us the silhouette of a lone man against a fiery Los Angeles sunset. Behold, it's Cesar Millan A.K.A. The Dog Whisperer. He's jogging steadily toward us, golden sunlight tinging the dust he kicks up.. Behind Cesar? His dog pack. A deep voiced announcer booms "When good dogs go bad, there's one man who's their best friend: Cesar Milan". Cue Cesar voice over as a montage of genius dog rehab moments flash before our eyes!
"No dog is too much for me to handle. I rehabilitate dogs, I train people. I AM The Dog Whisper."
Cesar Millan is a genius with the dogs. He made his career rehabilitating Pit Bulls, Rottweilers and Dobermans. But if you've got a pissy Poodle or a mean Mutt Cesar's your man. I watched him tame a frothing, spitting Kujo of a dog like a snake charmer for God's sake! The idiot owners stand agog as Cesar deftly works his special brand of canine hocus pocus. Before your very eyes hissing Chihuahua's morph into lovey dog babies. Teeth baring Pit Bulls transform into tail-wagging dog buddies.
Oh Cesar! More calming than my usual medication of sitcoms and laugh tracks. I want to put the diminutive cabbage patch-faced fella right IN MY POCKET. Fuck the dogs! He could be my life coach!.. And when I stumble into this chaotic situation or that I could pull him out so he could guide me in his darling Spanish accent.
"SSSHHHT!" He'd strictly hush his trademark when I begin to blubber. Actually, Cesar would sense the onslaught of tears and "SSSHHHT" me before I had a chance to cry. He's that good. And when I successfully put the kibosh on the tears, backed off from attacking The Surge or the bitch lady on the subway, Cesar would proffer a treat. Perhaps a Dorito or maybe a handful of Skittles! Then maybe he'd ruffle my hair and pat me on the back. I'd like that.
Picture it: I'm pre-menstrual, circling The Surge like an angry Pit Bull, ready to attack him for LEAVING HIS FUCKING BEARD TRIMMINGS IN THE SINK. AGAIN! After I spot the dadgummed trimmings, I immediately bolt down the hall to where The Surge is happily reading The Post, my bare feet slapping the hardwood like hands on a bongo... I'm almost there.. I will give that motherfucker a piece of my------
"SSSHHHHTT!"
What?
Lo and behold! It's Cesar! He sensed my attack and pre-empted! I stop, momentarily confused and then I forget to attack. And I get a Dorito! What could be better? Well, if I'm PMS-ing he better follow the Dorito with a Twinkie.. and all will be well.
Aug 7, 2006
Reader Comments (10)
Cesar ROCKS!
#2. Any man that knows and is loved by dogs is a brilliant shining light in a cesspool of hedonism.
#3. I forgot???
Love,
2 dog crew
by the way at the end of this month I'm going to train my dog in this kind of dog school, I will keep eye open for some good tips:) hihihi!
Nice site btw, I'll be returning for more reading.
Dazd