Thursday
08Mar2007
The Elephant On The Blog
"But they're saying mean things about me!"
"Baby! They're internet strangers, including Caroline. She doesn't know you! But I sure as fuck know her. You can't let this girl get to you like this. It's not worth it."
"It's not just her. I expect it from her. It's all these other people. You should read some of the things people are saying about me. And my family! They're digging through my old blogs and using my stories about my life against me."
"Look baby, you wrote honestly and from the heart and that's what's important. All I can tell you is it's the internet. That's how it goes."
And he's right. It's how it goes. The internet is not reality. Like a friend of mine advised via (ironically) email;
Walk your neighborhood. People don't know what a blog is or care about dumb myspace pages. Whenever I feel the way you do, TRAPPED IN YOUR LIFE, I go for a walk. I look up at the sky, at the stars, at the moon, at the leaves on the trees and I realize there's an entire world around us, outside our own dramas, and honestly, in twenty years you'll look back at all of this as a blip. Not responding, walking away even when you feel wronged isn't the cowardly thing to do. Shit, I walk away from accusations all the time, even though deep down I want to scream and defend myself! I usually don't just because it adds more fuel, and also, I try to have perspective, a sense of proportion.
She's right, of course. I don't know if I'm ready to relinquish ever telling my full story, warts and all, but I'm letting it go for now. It's not the right time. I'm still angry and my perspective would be skewed. But Serge and my friends, they're right. It's the way it goes. This cyber world is a big, meaty stew of assholes and nice folks and losers and brilliant souls and idiots and ex-boyfriends and ex-girlfriends and stalkers and sexual predators and lonely people and those with too much time on their hands and a sharp axe to grind. All of us ghosting around the internet, crashing into each other, writing things we'd never, ever say in person. That's the way it is.
When you see something in print, it hits you harder. Instead of your annoying little brother giving you a dead-arm it feels like Mike Tyson sucker-punching you. Because we were brought up on newspapers, magazines and school handouts, we're used to giving credibility to the printed word without a second thought. So stumbling across horrible things written about yourself quite understandably fucks with your head. Secondly, because I'm a writer, a journalist, I read and type words all day long that must be factual. So when surfing message boards and blogs I sometimes give the printed word more power than it deserves. If somebody writes nasty things about me it feels official somehow and strikes me harder than it would had the same idiot yelled it at me on the street. The sheer anonymity of the internet gives credibility to strangers who I probably wouldn't pay attention to in reality.
Nonetheless, through all the silly drama, I've gotta write. Whether you think I'm a good writer or spend your days on a message board talking about how much I suck or posting a FAQ on your blog where you tell the world you think my writing is mediocre at best, it may hurt initially, but in the long run it means nothing to me. Says more about you than my writing, actually. Bottom line, I love to write. I love words. Always have. I enjoy piecing words together like a puzzle, saying them out loud and then rearranging them again for a slightly different picture. And this blog? It's just a blog. Sometimes I post stuff I'm really proud of, other times I use it as a means to communicate with loved ones and a lot of times it's random drivel. I'm not trying to entertain you. No, that's not true - sometimes, I am trying to entertain.. But not always. So like it or not, that's what it is. My Mom likes the blog, my mom-in-law and her office buddies like to read the blog, mom-in-law #2 digs my action. SickSadWorld and Xmastime think I'm funny. Most importantly, Serge reads it. And he laughs at the spots he's supposed to and always notices a well crafted sentence. That's all I need. I'm cool with that.
Mar 8, 2007
Reader Comments (56)
I'm delurking because I have to write - for what it's worth - that I absolutely adore your writing. Your words are moving and funny and have inspired me to try to write better. I envy the way you write and I hope you never stop. I'm new here so I have no idea what the back story is, but regardless, please don't let any of that get inside your head. I'm not even kissing ass - I hate that stuff - but I need to tell you that you are an absolutely fantastic writer. Again, please don't stop.
Back to lurking.
Can I just tell you how fucking fantastic it was to log in and read your comment? I wrote this post on my lunch break at work. I decided to allow comments and made a deal with myself; if, when I get home from work there is a shitty comment, I'll just give up allowing comments, but if there is an intelligent comment or, God forbid, a nice one.. I'll just be so damn pleased. I hesitantly logged in, afraid of what I might find, and here you are. Shit. That was great. Thanks for such a lovely comment and renewing a bit of my faith in the faceless internet masses.
Monica, yours was the first ever blog I found out here in this odd and scary internet world. I have laughed out loud and cried quietly with so many of your stories. After your horrendous past week I was devastated when I found your blog abandoned the other day and have kept peeking back to see if you would return. You're here... and I'm so happy.
There will always be haters. Motivated by jealousy or simple opportunity, the internet allows them access to poke at and hurt you in ways they would never have the guts to do in the real world.
I think you are a brave and beautiful soul.
You have inspired me and I thank you for that xx
I'm so glad you've decided to keep writing on your blog. Don't stop!
Pretty new reader here, and I really like your stories. And your writing actually evokes images and stories in my brain. (As opposed to many stories that are just flat words.) So please, keep on keeping on.
And as for the naysayers, tell them where to stick it.
Don't think for one minute that people on ****** reflect the general opinion on your writing. Those vultures feast on misery. The only way to keep the trainwreck going is to taunt the one that is beaten. Take it with a big ass teaspoon of salt. I guess you already did.
I already told you and I'm telling you again: your blog is addicting and I always feel bad when it's "on vacation" and I can't read your stories; even though I understand your feelings for what's happening with the ex and the haters, don't forget all the people who love your way to express yourself in words, and who follow your stories since the beginning! I'm one of them and I really enjoy it here. Please don't stop! :)
We may be more silent than the haters, but I assure you we are SOOOOOOO many...
Keep goin' Mon, don't pay attention to them and just enjoy yourself in writing, if it gives you joy. Your writing gives joy (and a lot of other intense emotions) to me.
p.s.: I found very insightful the 25th february entry of SK's blog (I quote her only 'cause you said she inspired you to open this blog) and it made me think of you... I wonder if it was written also for you, actually...
Another lurker here. This is my first time, commenting on any blog. I have been a regular follower of yours for about 4 months. Yours was the 2nd blog I've ever checked out. At first, I told myself that I did not have time to get sucked into another blog. Nevertheless, I found myself initially intrigued and then actually addicted to your entries. I love your photos too. Since then, I've explored some other blogs and, comparatively, your written content is THE BEST of the "reality journal-style" blogs. I haven't read the so-called haters' comments, but it sounds like they are motivated by fear, including the rightful fear that you are smarter than they are. I hope you keep posting since, as you can see, I have been sucked in. But you should do so only if you continue to gain satisfaction from doing so, which it sounds like you do.
Supersnark, that was a great comment. And Jurgen Nation, I cannot believe you are lurking - you, Queen of the Blogs? Please, girl. You're not a lurker.
I think it's cool so many people are delurking. It nice to read fresh comments and perspectives. (As opposed to my tired shit.)
Monica, you know what I think about all this. Your writing and the drama and the other people involved. My first reaction to this post was "Rock on, girl".
Rock on, girl.
Monica... who the ef cares what those tools are saying? Seriously, you don't know them...they don't know you. They are probably big fat losers with NOTHING going on in their lives. Just ignore the whole thing forever! Never think about it again. You are better then them with a life. They are just jealous. You are awesome. I love your writing and you too!
It's so nice to check in this morning & see your post & all these comments! You know how I feel, too, about all this drama. I'm just glad you're still writing here...I've always enjoyed your stories & this blog.
Good for you Monica! Glad you are here and I do really enjoy reading your stuff. You put things out there that make me think and feel better about some of the crap that I feel sometimes, but dont understand. Thank you.
Now how do I become a member of this page? I have tried to sign up/register but for some reason am unable. Am I that technically slow?
I read a lot of blogs, rather regularly, but yours, about a year ago, was the first that I ever went back to read the archives. Seriously, from the beginning. I found your stories compelling and real. You aren't afraid to say the things that we all think but won't say out loud for fear that others will judge us. You have my respect. Life brings tragedy, pain, and honestly it just sucks. But, the times when it's great, really, really, great... those are the only ones that really matter. Because the bad crap goes away and your heart starts humming again.
Monica, I'm delurking here to publicly agree with everyone. Your writing is great, your stories are interesting and full of the life tidbits that make journals worth reading. Screw 'em all! If you keep writing it, we'll keep reading it. Let the "drama" roll off your back, I know, easier said than done.
Am I the only one that thinks this whole thing is a bit odd? Isn't he YOUR husband? They were never married and it was a very bad relationship from what's been shared. Why then, does she even care about you? When you put aside all the silly things you've both done, you're left with someone who is trying to destroy something she claimed she didn't want. What gives? Am I just really dense or is she just really terrible?
You're damn right I think you are funny. FUNNY LOOKING!!!!! (sorry, I can't ever resist that one).
I also think you are kind and strong and beautiful. (again, in a completely unlesbian way).
I miss you girl.
P.S. I'm glad to see you swimming under the trash that floated to the surface to get to cleaner waters. Heaven knows you are a stronger swimmer than the garbage that keeps trying to sink you.
I can't be deep?
Keep writing. I think that there is a large part of your readership that does not routinely post comments. I was one of them. It is a privilege to be able to read your blog. To attack someone brave enough to expose herself to public scrutiny is the lowest form of cowardice.
I love your blog, it's my favorite. When you were on "vacation" I was lost!!! I love your writing and can't wait to peak into your world daily! Thank you for sharing so much, YOU ROCK!
Just wanted to add myself to the list of people who looooooove your writing. I hope you keep doing it, and I selfishly hope you keep doing it here. But for the love of god, woman, get off of myspace. Get off of the message boards. I LOVED the advice from your friend in the email. Be a writer, if that's what you want. Write on the internet (please!), and turn off comments if that's what works for you. But the strange world of the internet is too easy to get caught up in, and it's easy to forget that it is NOT the real world. Live your real life, not the weird facsimile that gets created through myspace/youtube/flickr/etc/etc/etc. I had to tell myself the exact same thing when I first discovered the "community" aspects of the internet. I quickly grew to hate it. One day, I just unplugged. I still get value or enjoyment from a handful of blogs, and I regularly log into a message board devoted to pregnancy and motherhood (not a lot of snarking going on there, thank goodness). But at the end of the day I'll take blue sky and actual conversation and drinks with someone over slouching in front of my laptop, spending endless hours participating in stuff that really has no significance in the grander scheme of my life.
I hope you pull through whatever strangeness is confronting you now with the strength we all know you have. I'll keep checking in!
The best thing I ever heard anyone say about my Dad was 'to know Scotty was to have been loved by Scotty.' He surrounded himself with good and kind people who he loved, and had no time for anyone else. It's a good way to be.
I have half a mind to fly over there to Brooklyn and kick you square in your talented, hilarious and gorgeous ass if you ever 'go on vacation' and stop writing again! The other half of my mind just thinks we should all swim around in a vat of jack laced vodka and see where that gets us.
I miss you when you go - glad you are back Monica. Keep writing girl, don't let the trolls crawl up your cracks like sand on a beach cause they ain't worth it.
Hi Monica,
I love your blog and I swear I have been checking in every day just to see if you were back. I was gutted when the site asked me to log in yesterday, I thought you had made the blog private and there would be no more gorgeous Max photos and frickin' hilarious tampon flingin stories.
Please don't listen to all the internet shit, keep on writing for you and for the people you love and thanks for letting us strangers have a little peek at your world as well.
Take care and remember what the Monty Python Boys say:
'Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition'
Vicki x
I agree! You go girl! When I logged on and there was on the "vaca" pic, as I like to call it, I got worried, thought I should send an email, but refrained.
We all have our own drama, and somehow typing it out in a blog, knowing someone else reads it, whether they care or not, somehow it helps!
I have enjoyed reading this blog for a long time, don't stop! Missed ya while you were gone!
I read often, but this is my first comment. I am glad you are still posting, your writing is one of my favorites. I too was confused yesterday with the login request... if you decide to use a login can you add me to the list?
You are a very talented writer and I LOVE your blog so keep doing your thing!!!
Monica, - Thank you for writing and being funny and being open. I enjoy your take on things. Signed, just a random guy who lives in another world but likes to check in on yours (in a non stalking, only e-mailing you this one time kind of way)
oh yes, if you do lock out I am asking if I can have a login also. and I dont know this X at all, nor have I even bothered to search out her drivel.
Monica. I've read all that stuff and it is just so sad it's almost funny. Caroline reeks of desperation and an angry ex-girlfriend. The fact that an ex-girlfriend of your husbands as teamed up with pathetic hate bloggers should explain everything. Just laugh at her sad attempts to hurt you. Like you said, it says more about her than it would have say about you. Hurray for you! I enjoy your openness and have felt bad that you've had to deal with someone so obviously hellbent on hurting you.
Sorry for the grammar errors. I'm really not a third grader, just a bad typist.
I was a bit stunned when I saw the "login" thing on your website yesterday. I'm glad the blog is public again.
Monica,
Let me just say that I sympathize with your plight. Caroline has been unable to get over Serge leaving her, could not deal with the fact that he married you and has obsessed over the situation to the point where her family, friends and even her boyfriend have been concerned for her mental well-being. My guess is that is why her father intervened and emailed Serge. She did not and is not dealing with this well. To further add to the trauma, it has very much contributed to the failure of her current relationship. My advise to you is to please ignore her. Hopefully, now that she's written her blog she can move on.
Best.
xx
Yay!!! I was starting to having withdrawals. KEEP WRITING!!!!!
I check to see if you post every day and was so happy to see this post today. You made my day and your writing is not only excellent, but also very inspiring.
Keep up the writing as we need more women from Mormonland (Utah) sharing our stories.
Alex
keep on writing...it gives you and others too much pleasure to be stopped by the sturm und drang of others.
I am glad you are back. I enjoy reading your blog very much. I start the day with a laugh and smile. I love Max too. Your blog is a refreshing change from all of the "We are the perfect couple living in NYC" blogs out there.
Monica,
You're positively beautiful, both physically and spiritually.
You have a gift -- Thanks for sharing it!
Pls. don't let Caroline's last chapter rob you from even a single moment of happiness. Ignore any temptation to reply or defend yourself. It's a no win situation. But if it makes you feel any better: You've got real talent, and... tha Man!
Wishing you all the best!
I'll try to refrain from mudslinging. But I've said it once and I'll say it again. Anyone who writes a blog about their ex-boyfriend and his wife and then links to everyone they can think of that know all the people involved is a bitter bitch who has too much time on her hands. I'm glad you're starting to gain a little perspective on the situation. I can't imagine how difficult it would be to deal with having your emails posted and every thing you do on the internet analzyed. I know it's hard, but don't pay attention to that. It's what she wants. Without your interest and without the interest of the readers she's tried to glom from you, she has nothing. The only reason her readers are interested is because they read your blog and like you. It's easy to read between the lines of her blog and anyone who can't see it for what it is doesn't know the potential of an angry ex-girlfriend. She can spin it any way she wants and unfortunately she does have a bit of talent in the writing department, but the bottom line is your husband's ex-girlfriend has a blog on which she writes about you. That sentence, in a nutshell, tells me more than I need to know.
I couldn't agree more with everything everyone has already said. This internet drama may seem big in your world, but in the grand scheme of things it's just a blip on the radar of your life. You may have made a few mistakes, which you admitted here a long time ago but you can rest assured that you have handled this situation beautifully. I know that you've struggled and being a writer I can't imagine how tempting it is to wade in and tell it in your own words but I admire you for doing what you've done. That last post on Caroline's blog where she's gloating over all the pain she's caused and now her teaming up with those other hate bloggers who shall remain nameless - I think that pretty much says it all. Pathetic. You keep writing! You have something that isn't easy to come by. An honest voice and a conversational tone. Reading your blog often makes me feel as if I'm dishing with a girlfriend at the bar. You aren't afraid to reveal your faults and that goes a long way in making others feel not so bad about theirs.
Chin up! Be proud!
I enjoy reading your blog more than you will ever know. I admire you for continuing to write inspite of all of the drama. You are a very strong woman. I raise my wine glass in honor of you!
Monica,
I'm so glad you're back, and that your site has some new writing on it. I think that you're dealing OK with all the ridiculous stuff that has zapped you through the lines of the Internet. Forgettaboutit!
I have to tell you again, that you have really touched me with your writing. After reading your description of The Turnaway, I had a way to define exactly what I(!) was doing. It actually was a huge help with me beginning to communicate to my loved one. Thank you~ You write, by far, the best blog that I've clicked onto.
You called him Serge, not The Surge. Is that the first time? I liked it. It felt very personal and sweet.
On another note, I work in the most horrific of environments with the most horrific of people. Last Monday at work, after a lovely, but unremarkable weekend, I had this epiphany - this is not reality, this is not real life, this is the Twilight Zone. My reality, my real life is every sweet moment I spend away from the horrific office and the horrific people that are there, every moment I spend with my sweet friends and loved ones and lovers. Reading about your Internet plight, I had the same thought for you. What's going on with your Internet adversaries is not reality. Your reality is your life with Serge and your friends and family.
Monica,
First time I read your blog was the end of February...I followed a link from Stephanie Klein's blog. First post I read was about that horrible Caroline and what she was doing to you. I could feel the hurt in your words. I spent alot of time reading your archives to find out about "the girl who". Fascinating..your childhood...older married guy..and the way you met your husband...it's like a freaking movie! I love your style of writing and think you are very talented. There will always be haters out there, but if there is one thing I've learned over the years it's that the haters are just jealous. I was so sad when I saw the logon screen yesterday (and a little worried too). I'm so happy that you are not letting a bunch of losers censor you. Keep on keepin on. I'm looking forward to new posts and finishing up the old ones! All my best to you!
I read Caroline's blog at first and I always felt there was something a little off. Her story was just too one-sided and paints you in such a terrible way I figured she was either exaggerating or leaving important details out. Although Caroline revealed her own faults (from what I gather that was after you called her out for posting on your husband's message board) her meticulous saving of emails and posting them while never quite revealing what she sent to ignite them seemed weird as does her obsessive concern over your myspace page colors. It seems to be she got a bit carried away analyzing and, by her own admission, may have seen things that weren't really there. I do look forward to your version if you ever decide to post it.
You're back, and so is your confidence. So happy to see you with your head up. I couldn't agree more with everything that has already been said. We're all here for you girl, and all your witty (or not witty), enlightening (or not) and honest (always) writing. Whatever it is, I love it. Thank goodness I was stalking your blog in hopes that you would come to your senses!
And Laura, I noticed the Serge reference too!!
so sorry you've had a hard time of it lately. but glad you've decided after all not to let the ex or other random cyber-crazies get in the way of you sharing your stories. thanks for rising to the challenge monica, for those of us who just like to have a peek in the window without throwing stones.
So very glad to see that you are back at it, you go girl! When I saw the site was all but shut down, I was wondering what was happening. Your writing is some of the best out there, and I come back every day to read your stories, including the archives. I have gleaned inspiration and strength through your writing. Keep it up and don't let anyone with ugly words and stabbing remarks ever bring you to doubt yourself or your gift. The internet is a strange place, for sure, but now and again you can meet some really wonderful and beautiful (especially on the inside) people.
Smile and look toward the sky, think of the words from a song the Grateful Dead wrote...."listening to the thunder shout I am, I am, I AM"....and don't forget that you ARE...The Girl Who will rise from the ashes like a phoenix.
=] =] =]
Jesus, when will you and Caroline finally just have sex and get it over with? It's ridiculous.
Meanwhile:
1. You're a perfectly fine writer. Good enough to make a living at it. You're most likely not going to write the Great American Novel, but so what?
2. Your marriage is totally triangulated. Fix it. What would you and Serge have if you weren't whipping up all this drama? This is a very bad foundation.Build a better one.
3. Invest in yourself. You went from your parents' world to your husband's world. Who are you, anyway? This blog isn't an honest search. It's an exercise in narcissism.
4. My advice is to shut down the blog and stop the bullshit. Live fully in the real world. Stop writing about yourself and write only about people and things that exist outside of you. And only for actual publications with editors who will evaluate your work. Your writing will improve.
Right? I can't decide if Caroline and I need to box or make-out. Serge and I are just fine. While Caroline has never met me, he, his friends and family knew her very well for four years and are well aware that this kind of shit is just par for the course with her.
I debated whether to shut down the blog, but in the end, I really like writing here and some pretty cool things have come out of maintaining this blog. Also, I'm not ashamed of anything I've written and am actually rather proud of a lot of it.
While it may seem like I live here in the blog or on the internet, reading shitty comments about myself, I have a full-time job producing at ABC and I've been working with an agent whose name is, ironically, Caroline, on my book. There are exciting things on the horizon. This blog is about a tenth of what I write so while it may seem like this blog is it in my world - it ain't.
Your advice is solid though.
Monica
It's good to hear that! I wish you good luck, and I glad things are going well for you.
I am a fairly new reader, but I was hooked as soon as I found your blog. I, too, was upset yesterday when I saw that you required a login, and I also missed reading you while you were on vacation. I think you're a talented writer, and I really enjoy your work. I hope you don't think of shutting down your blog - it's too good!
I know very little about the Caroline saga, but from what I've read, it sounds like she's jealous of you and needs to get her own life. Just ignore the nasty comments, write for yourself, and know that so many people appreciate reading whatever you choose to post. Looking forward to hearing more about your book. All the best to you!
I am so excited to hear that you're working with an agent on your book! I will be the first in line at Barnes & Noble for the book signing.