Monica Bielanko
A chronicle since 2005 of my marriage & move to Brooklyn in my twenties; becoming a mother in my thirties; moving to Pennsylvania and learning to amicably coparent after divorce in my forties while living 3 doors down from my ex-husband in a small country town.
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Monday
Nov022009

Facefuck

In a fit of nostalgia over the weekend...Okay, okay, in a fit of wine drinking over the weekend I - AGAINST MY BETTER JUDGEMENT - "friended" an old high school friend on Facebook. I can only defend myself by saying that I rarely use My Better Judgement, therefore it is not accustomed to being used and verrry rusty. Also, I used the term "friend" up there loosely as this was the same cat who, I've been told, spread rumors of my abortion all over the prestigious, hospital-looking Utah County institution that is Mountain View High School (Go Bruins! M-V-H-S THE BEST!)

Fuck it, I thought. Bygones and all that jazz. I'm a grown-ass adult with a scrappy city boy of a husband who can moonwalk circles around those suburban, baseball cap/flip-flop wearing jock fucks I spent so much time trying to please. But Kevin and I had some laughs, I not so much rationalized as justified, so I took another swig of red to fortify myself, popped a fifteenth Peanut Butter Cup in my mouth and clicked "Add As Friend".

And pretty much forgot about it until today.

There I am, happily perusing Facebook for those nuggets of information without which my day would surely be incomplete:
Jake is walking his dogs. That's great Jake! Glad to know it!
Sarah is leaving the gym. Sweaty. Super, Sarah! Fan-fucking-tastic!
Ryan killed a hooker in Mafia Wars. Time to hide Ryan.
Jimmy is tired. Buck up Jimbo, tomorrow is another day!

Then I spot it.

Kevin, we'll call him Kevin, Kevin became friends with John. One hour ago, Facebook informs me. And Kevin became friends with Rachel. Oh! That's right! I "friended" Kevin a couple days ago. He's obviously been on Facebook today. I bet we're friends now and I can look at pictures of his kids, judge his wife and muse over just how bald and swollen he is now. You know, the usual Facebook stuff. So I click to Kevin's page.

AWAITING FRIEND CONFIRMATION.

But...He...Um?

Kevin The Jock reached all the way from 1995 and bitch-slapped me, once again. I requested the pleasure of his friendship, like, two days ago, and he's obviously been in his account accepting requests from John and Rachel today. But not me. No Kevin became friends with Monica.

Isn't that just SO Kevin, I thought to myself. And then I was all whiny, like, But why? Why doesn't Kevin want to be friends with me? Does he read this blog? Is it because I'm snarky about The Church? Maybe he's a bishop now or something and The Church has finally gotten around to handing out The Blacklist for 2009. Then I was pissed. Fucking Kevin. Doesn't want to be friends with me. I didn't even want to be friends with him either. I was just feeling nostalgic drunk. THEN I was mad at myself for A) Thinking I should be Facebook friends with Kevin in the first place even after he made out with me in his bedroom that one time senior year and so I felt sufficiently bonded enough to tell him about the horrible abortion incident and then SOMEHOW, everyone in high school knew about it and B) For feeling like an asshole because there I was thinking and reacting just like High School Monica would and 3) For being on Facebook in the first place. It's all so goddamn high school-y and here I am sucked right into homeroom shenanigans. How come she isn't friends with me. His new girlfriend isn't that cute. Is this comment clever enough? How come he won't be friends with me? Does this picture make me look stupid? Is my link stupid? Nobody commented on my link? Why are the cool kids on Facebook ignoring me?

But then I got tough. I pulled myself up by my bra straps and gave Facebook the business. STUPID, FACEBOOK. Making me feel all high school-y again. So guess what I did? I pre-empted Kevin's IGNORE THIS FRIEND REQUEST by taking back my friend request. That's right. I took it back, motherfucker. I changed my mind.

I WON'T BE IGNORED, FACEBOOK, I WON'T BE IGNORED. I WILL COOK YOUR BUNNY ON A STOVE BEFORE I WILL BE IGNORED.

Reader Comments (35)

The tyranny of Facebook knows no bounds. I cleave my friends list regularly and reject people all the time because you know what, it doesn't really matter in my day-to-day living if I'm friends with these people that I was never really friends with in the first place. It's cathartic to just unfriend a bunch of people. It's even more fun to block the really annoying ones.

November 3, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterJeneria

WOW, I hate him too! I don't know him, but I KNOW the type.
Can I throw rotten cyber tomatoes at his swollen jock ass head? Yes I can, and I already Have! F U Kev!

November 3, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterGrammar G

I've had the same shit happen. People from jr. high and/or high school have friended me (or vice versa) and then they must see pictures of me with a Miller Lite (and living in SIN! BAHHH!!!) and next thing I know - I've been removed. Or I've had judgy comments made like, wow you sure have changed - or this isn't the cindi that i once knew.......anyway - screw them! Although, I am guilty of removing people as well. I do remain entertained by my sister changing her relationship status DAILY (married, oh wait, single, uh....now it's complicated). God bless FB.

November 3, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterCindi

You are SO RIGHT about the high schooly-ness of Facebook. Just last Friday I "friended" someone that I met and think is a cool person and then spent the next ten hours FRETTING and WORRYING and wondering if she would approve my friend request or if she was spending her Friday night thinking about what a huge dork I am and why in the world would I think she would want to be Facebook friends with me OMG. Because clearly a Facebook friend request is such a HUGE DEAL.
Anyway, she approved my request, but didn't write back to the message I sent her with the friend request, so at least I can continue to be neurotic about THAT fact. Heaven forbid I have nothing to fret about.
Anyway, I'd totally have approved your friend request. Kevin doesn't know what he's missing.

November 3, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterAnne

I do the same thing as Jeneria. I unfriend people on a regular basis. I also don't accept (or request) friend requests from people from high school because there are only one or two people from the MVHS graduating class of 1995 worth staying in contact with (although if I would have know you that number might be changed to 3). No one I knew from back then (I'm pretty sure we didn't run in the same crowds) would like who I have become. Sorry Stacey and Kirsten, but anything I have to say on Facebook would scare the shit out of you and you'd be praying for my Eternal Salvation, which is something I don't want.

Don't let "Kevin" bug you....he's not a cool Facebook kid any longer. You are the cool one, even if you don't know it.

November 3, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterAnjie B.

I've had people (ex-boyfriends) friend me and un-friend me all in a matter of hours, just long enough to check out my info and look at my pictures. What the fuck? So you don't really want to be my friend, you just want to see what I'm up to, what I look like now, and if/who I married, probably all in an attempt to boost your own self esteem. Except I'm super hot and successful now, so take that! I really do hate facebook sometimes.

November 3, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterAnnalise

But if it said awaiting friend confirmation he didn't click ignore...if he had it would have gone back to add as friend, right? Maybe he hasn't grown up yet, and isn't ready to face you because he feels awful about what he did. Anyway, none of that is any fault of yours because You are amazing, beautiful, smart and funny!!! Plus you get to be Violet's Mommy :)
xoxo Jen

November 3, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterJenifer

HAHAHAHA LOVE IT. That's why I don't allow myself to join up w/ Facebook either. I'd be the same way, and eventually get on my own nerves. More than I already do.

November 3, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterKate

I read once that there's a phenomenon happening where people are enjoying their lives less because they are constntly slef-editing inorder to post about everything on places like facebook and twitter, and don't want to be judged. This apparently leads to lessend apprechiation of whatever was facebooked or tweeted. A little over-the-top, but it's true that so many of us self-edit to 'fit in with the cool kids" lol.

November 3, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterFableQ

That's the best explanation of Facebook I've seen :) WTH is up with it pulling us all right back to high school?! :) I have a total love-hate with it! PS I'm with Jeneria & Anjie B...but why *is* it so cathartic to un-friend people? Is it because I'm a huge bitch?! :)

November 3, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterMrs. Sitcom

Oh Monica. I feel your pain. Been there. Done that. Fretted over the very same things. That is why I approve everyone I think I know. So that I don't make anyone feel like a lame-o like I feel whenever I - without weighing the ramifications - "add as friend" someone and they deny me. Or even better, realizing that someone only pity added you b/c they later unfriended you. I contemplate deleting my facebook account at least once a week.

"Kevin" sucks.

November 3, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterTara

Haha, love this post, am myself very familiar with the facebook fretting. Most recent cause for fret...dated a boy a couple years ago. He moved away and instead of properly breaking things off, he went the ultra mature blow off route. He recently moved back and we've run into one another a couple times, chatted albeit awkwardly but he seemed interested in getting together. So I stupidly wrote him via facebook asking if he wanted to grab a drink and catch up, to which I got no response. Then I felt hurt and angry when I saw that he was active on the book. I got the blow off all over again...*sigh*.

I also get anxious about if I'm being clever or just think I am and everyone else thinks I'm lame (which is likely the case). Ah facebook...

November 3, 2009 | Unregistered Commenters'dizzle

Wine and Facebook are a very dangerous combination that can turn the most self assured adult into a insecure teenager. I have done this many times and woken up the next morning with the worst case of Facebook regret.

November 3, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterCate

If you don't have a story like this, you don't drink enough red wine. I am laughing so hard at you taking back your friendship request that I feel like my gut will bust. Kevin was and is an ass. Why in the hell do we get sucked into thinking reconnecting with the asses of our past will somehow make us whole and better people? Oh yes, I remember now. Red wine.

November 3, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterStefanie

Keep on drinking, your post are wonderful! I keep hearing in my head UB40 while I was reading you post RED, RED wine... :-)

November 3, 2009 | Unregistered Commentercoskibum

Leave Facebook. That's my advice. I despised how it made me feel all those insecurities again and I am ALL GROWN UP. Right?! So I "deactivated" and I'm as happy as a clam.

November 3, 2009 | Unregistered Commentercassie

Facebook and drinking. The new drink and dial....

The boy I gave my virginity to is still debating whether or not to accept me as a friend. I think you might be as well. Maybe one other person. My life in acceptance limbo....

Facebook - the place where we can all feel that bit worse about ourselves from the comfort of our own sofa...

November 3, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterCrummyMummy

I was all into my Facebook page and then my very, first boyfriend found me and asked me to be a friend. I really didn't want this guy, who I haven't talked to in, uh- decades, all in my business so I sent him a message saying: sorry, I don't want to be friends. ~awkward~ but it was somehow satisfying to tell him how I really felt instead of simply ignoring his request.

Also, a friend at work had his FB page up, and I wrote something for his status update that made him mad... he hasn't talked to me in over four months. Can I just say, and this is the saddest thing ever.... we are all old-- older than Monica. Middle aged? Lameness has no age limit.

November 3, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterKaren

Ha! I was also once Facefucked by an ex (with whom I spent many years, and then had several years of friendly occasional contact) who then promptly set his profile to be unsearchable. You know, because I'm just that psycho to be contacting the person with whom (see above) and with whom I have many mutual friends. Fucking self-obsessed loser. I think my message was something like 'Hello! What a gorgeous little boy you have - congratulations! Nice to see you, hope you're well' or something vastly inappropriate like that. Pathetic.

November 3, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterL

I HATE FACEBOOK! IT IS THE DEVIL! Seriously, I hate it! I didn't like those people in high school, I sure as hell do NOT like them now! Now I know this sounds shitty, but high school sucked balls for me! I was on FB for a total of maybe 2 weeks, and I deleted it. Does anyone want to know that "Jen is feeling blah!" They do not, well at least I don't care to know about about my Uncle, my Cousin, my Mom, my Sister, my Brother, my Sisterinlaw, my Cousins' Kids', that Person I never want to talk to again, I asure you they do not. Facebook to me is a bit nosey, as far as you know when someone farts it seems like, a bit too much for me.
If you FB, good for you, enjoy it, I won't judge you :)

November 3, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterJen

I don't do Facebook. Facebook makes people crazy and I find the whole Facebook thing to be a whole world of creepiness and crazy-making that i simply refuse to be a part of.

Don't get me wrong, i have an account. Or at least i did. I had one crazy ex-boyfriend experience.....he contacted me to be friends, i initially accepted. We'd had a pretty traumatic relatiosnhip some of which I never quite got over. Same issue that you aluded to with Kevin. So the last thing I wanted to deal with was emails and messages and photos from him going on and on about his wife and kid. So I defriended him and then he gets all narky wanting, nay DEMANDING an explanation for the de-friending. DUDE. Let me spell it out - I haven't seen or spoken with you for 7 years. Remember....since I had to deal with that shit by myself while you were off discovering yourself in fucking Nepal or Myanmar or where ever the hell you disappeared off to. And while i'm on a roll...how would your wife feel knowing that you've contacted me? None to thrilled I imagine. And why the hell are you contacting me anyway after all these years and after everything that happened?

The whole facebook thing brought all that shit right back to the surface. Made us both crazy - him thinking that i had to be friends with him and me going through that grief again.

So that was it. I de-Facebooked. No more Facebook.

So people ask me if i do facebook and I front up and tell em...you wanna be my friend, here's my card, it's got my phone number, gimme a call and we'll have beers. or coffee. or walk dogs together or something. But no, I am not interested in the mundane activities of your every waking moment, i'm not interested in how many friends you have or what they had for breakfast. Nor do i have any interest in your husband/wife/kids. So, yeah, you wanna be friends? call me, maybe we can be friends and do what friends do...have beer and coffee and go to the dog park. but not Facebook.

November 3, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterSarah

I'll just throw this out there - maybe Kevin wasn't active on his account. If he had sent friend requests to those two people, it would show up that he became friends with them once they accepted, even if he had not been active in days. This is why Facebook is evil; it is entirely too easy to misinterpret something completely innocuous. Of course, none of this changes the fact that Kevin was an ass and probably always will be.

November 3, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterBAS

I thought of this. This could be true, but there were several "Kevin became friends with so-and-so" in a row which would indicate his accepting a bunch of friend requests. The alternative is the unlikely coincidence that several people accepted Kevin's friend requests within the same short time period. You with me?

Also? I'm a loser to have thought it out even THAT much.

November 4, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterThe Girl Who...

i need to know how to retract a friend request once you've sent it, because i too had WAY TOO MUCH of the grape last week & went on a friending spree & then woke up to the horrendous feeling of "omg, what was i thinking?". i'm not even certain how many requests i sent (10?), but i know that of that mystery number, only three people have accepted and i need a backup plan for the next time this happens. (because drinking less wine is not feasible and neither is quitting FB. putting a password lock/breathalyzer on my laptop could be considered)

November 4, 2009 | Unregistered Commenterann

Ass. That would piss me off. And turn me right back into the band geek, insecure, attention hungry HS girl that I am. I mean, was.

November 4, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterSadie

I'm with you now. Personally I've been trying to turn over a new Facebook leaf and not start spinning when I see things on FB. I too suffer from depression and can easily spin myself into psycho girl. At least I now know this about myself and mostly the meds work. Ok, so one glass of vino and I just put that right out there.

Have you seen the video of "How Facebook been messing up relationships"? http://www.facebook.com/video/video.php?v=242642285181&ref=mf

I hope the link works. It's hilarious! And so true!!

November 4, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterBAS

I recently went onto Facebook to see an old school friend's ultra jesus-freak wife had taken a 'quiz' on same-sex marriage. The possible answers were 'yes', 'no' and 'only a civil union'. Quite predictably, she answered 'no'.

I may have had a few beers by the time I had read this, and coupled with the fact a very awesome gay friend of mine was doing a civil union the next day, I got angry, took the quiz, voted 'yes' and in the comments section wrote 'FUCK anyone who doesn't support same-sex marriage'. Eloquent and to the point, I know. Since then, she has deleted me from her facebook, and I havent heard from my old friend. I've also become something of a huge same-sex marriage advocate, flooding my facebook with links and videos supporting it.

Anyways, alcohol and facebook can do some good, sometimes.

November 4, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterRyan

I hear you!! I have had to block family members from my facebook because of things they would post about me when they were mad, it was like high school where "she" would try to rally people against me and people would write their opinions of me that I had never met before...I wonder how long I will keep at this Facebook thing before I end up blocking everyone on there!!

November 5, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterK

Hilarious. The ridiculousness of Facebook, all in one post. I wish I could buck up and delete mine. I just can't do it. Dammit.

November 5, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterPenelope

Attempt to view your life as a windshield, the rear view mirror is small compared to whats ahead. We shoot ourselves in the foot and keep looking back. Stay in the present.

November 5, 2009 | Unregistered Commenterreader

FB has been a great thing, generally, as I am raising a little person and rarely get out or have time to talk on the phone. And it has put me back in touch with some people I missed. But I had a really weird thing happen about a month ago.

An old High School friend made a friend request, and I thought, "hey, it'd be nice to be in touch with Kate, I wonder what she's up to now?" So I accepted, and looked around on her profile long enough to know that she lives in CA now and we have several mutual friends. Good. I thought. Then a few days later I realized that I hadn't seen her in my feed so I went to her profile to look and see if she actually posts. And she wasn't in my friend list. And I went through my e-mail and found the one that notified me of her friend request, the request I had accepted. I clicked through. "Kate only shares certain information on her profile. Friend Kate if you want to know more." Huh? So she friended and unfriended me? What the hell? Okay. Now I can let it go since I shared it with the universe.

November 6, 2009 | Unregistered Commentertouhy

Um, yeah--please share the de-bemyfriending secret b/c as far as I know once you make the request you can't take it back....

November 8, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterATG

Go to your "friends" section and click on "all friends" so you're viewing the list of all your friends. Scroll down and find the person you friended. You'll find them there and an X will be next to their name. Click the X and Facebook will ask, "Are you sure you want to remove this request". Click yes.

November 9, 2009 | Registered CommenterMonicaBielanko

You can also take back friend request by going to privacy and then blocking the person. You can then click on unblock and they will return to their original status, neither a friend nor blocked. It is only a matter of time before there is a movie parodying FB. I resisted joining for a long time, but now I'm hooked. I recently experienced my first defriending by our neighbor who had posted in a vague sense about a disagreement we've had. Not even high school. Grade school. It took me about a week to figure out I had been defriended Does that diminish the satisfaction of the defriender? Personally, I subscribe to the saying, "Keep your friends closer, but your enemies closer." If I can't deal with the banal postings of an otherwise harmless "friend", I just hide them.

November 10, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterSaffoula

he sounds like a complete Jackass. Prolly still feels embarrassed having leaked your private business. Fogetaboutm!

November 13, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterGina

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