Monica Bielanko
A chronicle since 2005 of my marriage & move to Brooklyn in my twenties; becoming a mother in my thirties; moving to Pennsylvania and learning to amicably coparent after divorce in my forties while living 3 doors down from my ex-husband in a small country town.
That's What She Said
You can also find Monica's writing here:
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Tuesday
Feb022010

Here Goes Nothing

Today was my first official commute from Mom's house to work. Forty-five minutes. Not too bad considering it's about a half hour longer than I'm used to. However, there is always my beloved Howard Stern who accompanies me on most journeys.

And this! Do you see it! DO YOU?! It hasn't been like that in, oh, say, EVER! Sorry it's so blurry but I was trembling like a new Mormon bride on honeymoon night when I attempted to take a proper photo. Excuse me while I touch myself like a 14-year-old boy who just learned to play the skin flute.

So... yeah. Mom's house. In Pleasant Grove, Utah. Utah county. The Mormon capital of the universe. There is a bright side. My God, the blogging fodder Mom's going to provide. I haven't written about Mom so much except for alarming stories like this one and hilarious stories like this and my personal favorite. But, holy hell, just cataloging the items in her home is worthy of a blog post a day.

In clearing a little space in her house for my family I had to kind of organize her stuff in the process and OH MY GOD the awesomeness. For example:

ME: Mom, why do you have a lone wooden drawer sitting on top your microwave?

MOM: I found it in the street.

ME: You found a random drawer in the street and brought it home? Like, were you on a walk or something?

MOM: Nah. Saw it laying in the street right in front of my house and I kept an eye on it for a couple days and it was still there so I figured it fell off somebody's truck so I brought it inside because maybe the guy who lost it would knock on my door and ask if I had his drawer and I would give it to him.

ME: Right, right... So how long has it been sitting here on your microwave?

MOM: (Sheepishly) About a year. But look! I used it to hold the phone book!

ME: You think it's safe to say he ain't coming back for his drawer?

MOM: Oh shut up! Throw the damn thing out then.

There was also a rather amusing conversation about her collection of Coca-Cola related products from which I emerged victorious after convincing her that the world would not spin off its' axis if I stowed that crate of old-fashioned coke bottles in the basement so there was more room around the kitchen table. I mean, I know it's totally awesome that you have a coke calendar that matches your coke drinking glasses and coke canisters and old-fashioned coke crates but could I maybe take this one Coca-Cola crate downstairs so I can slide a chair out enough to sit down? I mean, you still have these old six-packs of Coca-Cola bottles prominently displayed and all so you're in good shape. So... this crate? The basement? Um, yeeeaaaah. That'd be grreeeeaat...

Have you seen my stapler?

If you got the above reference we should totally be pen pals.

Really, Mom has been nothing but amazing and accommodating and fantastic considering her home has been overrun by her mean oaf of a daughter, her fishing obsessed husband, their noisy daughter and two giant black labs that aren't exactly tiptoeing through the daisies and whatnot. So, thanks Mom. Now go fetch me a big onion from the fruit room!

Reader Comments (22)

I love Office Space! I haven't seen that movie in forever.

February 2, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterSarahO

I remember having a few conversations with Mom on your blog....she's way cool.

Great job on paying off your debt!! Woo-hoo!!

C

February 2, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterChrissy

so cool!!! I'm happy with you, don't ask why, I don't know :)

February 3, 2010 | Unregistered Commenterana_jo

Ummmmmm yeahhhhh. I'm gonna need you to go ahead and come in on Saturday...

February 3, 2010 | Unregistered Commenternicole

First off, congrats on the card. Doesn't it feel wonderful? We've worked on that really hard the last couple of years and I still can't really believe that we've reached a point where they're actually paid off.

As for things with your Mom, I'm glad they're going well. Honestly, I don't know how you do it. My sister just moved back in with husband and baby to my parents house, so it's something I've thought about lately. And I think it would be rough, but I could manage. Unless my parents lived in Utah.

Seriously, I don't know how you ex-Mormons in Utah manage. I don't know how I lived in Provo for 7 years (!!!!!). Last year when I was pregnant I went back for a visit. Where I'm from, a pregnant woman walking around was an unusual, though not unheard of, sight. But when I was in Utah I hated every second of it. There were so many pregnant women, pregnant women and women with babies and women with toddlers and women with multiple screaming children, instead of feeling like one little pregnant woman in a big city, I felt like a cog in a baby-making machine. It was awful and I was so glad to come home.

Good luck with Pleasant Grove. And if I ever muster the courage to come back (or, let's be honest, have another family event to attend) we should totally get drinks.

February 3, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterJessica

Yeah great new stories from Monica on the way!
I can feel a writing energy bubbling all the way from here.
Here it comes..........

February 3, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterLisa

CONGRATS! I bet that feel so good paying off that card!

Office space. You need more flair.

February 3, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterThe Domestic Goddess

Oh Office Space. Also- this may be too personal- but did you own your house? Just curious about the process of selling it in this economy.

February 3, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterAdrienne

Just laughing so hard over here. My mom collects all that Coca-cola stuff too! Your mom sounds sweet.

February 3, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterAmy

I can't wait to read the mom posts! I lived with my mom as an adult for exactly year! I was ready to strangle that bitch by the time I moved! lol But you are doing it for a good reason. Can't wait!

February 3, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterJen

Congrats on paying off a card.. and Office Space is one of the best movies ever!

February 3, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterShelly

  Office space! Waiting for my first pen pal letter. . . .

February 3, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterCharley (yes, I'm a girl)

OHmygod Milton.

Can we be penpals now please?! :)

Also? I could put strychnine in the guacamole if I wanted to.

BOOM-shakalaka.

(Did I seriously just type that?!)

February 3, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterMrs. Sitcom

I should send your mum the full Coke bottle I have from the World Cup in South Korea....oh wait, you don't want her to expand her collection do you?

What happened to the car?? You haven't blogged about it! Hope everyone is ok.
Well done on moving out, moving on and settling in. Look forward to the stories.

PS I have no idea what Office Space is - sorry!

February 3, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterStarlight32

My gift to you:
http://www.cubeslacker.com/content/view/16/31/

February 3, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterDave

At least your Mom collects coke stuff! Mine collects readers digests like George Costanza's dad on Seinfeld!

February 3, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterSandy

I read this and can see that in the future the conversation about the drawer being similar to the conversations I will have with my daughter..hahaha.

February 3, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterMish

Office Space - let's write.
We are contemplating building an addition for my parents to move in so we can all save on taxes, cost of living, etc.... yea. love america- separate entrance and all but you are already starting to make me think twice - and you just moved in!

February 4, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterDonna

Yuck, I feel you. I live in Springville Utah.. so I am not even close to SLC for a get a way. Mostly sit inside.
Hah.

February 4, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterAmy

Huh - There is a drawer sitting off the side of the road about 100 ft from my house. Big drawer too. Solid wood - no ply or pressboard. Been there a while. If I pick it up I'm going to use it for kindling. If I find a closet - now that's a different story - I could use more closets.

February 5, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterRob Mehner

Let's be pen pals!! I love Office Space!
"Hi Peter, what's happening. We need to talk about your TPS reports"

Happy 1st Violet and tell your mom she's my hero. Coke addict here!

February 5, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterTami A.

So what you're saying is that you inherited your diet Coke addiction? ;) Looking forward to more Mom posts. You are very brave. There is no way in hell that I could manage that.

February 13, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterMers

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