Monica Bielanko
A chronicle since 2005 of my marriage & move to Brooklyn in my twenties; becoming a mother in my thirties; moving to Pennsylvania and learning to amicably coparent after divorce in my forties while living 3 doors down from my ex-husband in a small country town.
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Wednesday
Apr142010

Funny Sex

Attempting to create life this second time around has been funny. Yes, funny. The only simultaneous minutes Serge and I are A) home and B) awake at the same time are never. He gets up and leaves for work before I am awake, we exchange Violet in a parking lot every afternoon and by the time I get home from work he is asleep.

When can two exhausted parents of a toddler living this sucky lifestyle attempt to procreate? Your guess is as good as mine

What it means is that a peacefully slumbering Serge gets The Shoulder Tap at around eleven-thirty at night. Coach Monica tapping him into the game!

"You're in buster, make it count!" Then I slap him on the ass for good measure.

He isn't used to The Shoulder Tap. Or the ass slap. A few months ago he would've paid a substantial sum to make The Shoulder Tap happen and hell, maybe he did, it just wasn't with me. Now, the poor fella's all tuckered out. Kind of like trying to run the New York Marathon without training for it, he wasn't ready for this kind of regimen. Should've eased the poor guy into it but, hey. I've got life to create here, bub.

I suppose it's my fault. Sex with me these past six and a half years was a bit like being lost in the desert. Every now and then he stumbled onto a wet spot but now, now it's like I helicoptered him out of the desert and dropped him into the ocean. Poor guy's drowning in sex and he hasn't been conditioned for this kind of thing.

We've established that I don't regularly put out and, at this point, can you blame me? I mean, I have a better shot at some skin slappy-slappy with Brad Pitt than Serge because at the rate we're going I'm more likely to run into Pitt, is what I'm saying. But what I'm really trying to say here is I have a history of not putting out. Oh, I was super sexy in the beginning. All up in his business three and four times a day, you know, to fool him into thinking I'm a regular sex kitten and that I routinely sleep in lingerie. It wasn't a conscious thing, all the sexual cartwheels I turned in the early days. Maybe a subconscious desire to prove my sexuality and then, once he realized I like to slob around in baggy, ten-year old pajama bottoms and his tee-shirts, the jig was up and I stopped giving it up. Poor men, destined to play offense to a feminine defense that rivals the Pittsburgh Steelers in the seventies. The Steel Curtain.

That early sex was frantic, passionate, and plentiful. And then it was sporadic. The sex now? It's funny. Funny fun sex. How else would midnight on Monday find Serge engaged in the horizontal mambo with yours truly while saying "Please, don't make me do any more impersonations!"

That's right, impersonations. What? You like normal sex? Serge does a killer John Travolta and his Christopher Walken isn't too shabby either. I'm talking Travolta in the early days; Grease, Saturday Night Fever. Travolta isn't the only third-party in our bedroom (fourth-party counting Max which begs the question: do you do IT while your dog is on the bed?) There's also random Pennsylvania Guy and Philly Guy who sounds similar to The Situation on Jersey Shore. It makes me laugh so hard we can barely get the job done.

Also, because we don't see each other at all during the day we end up conversing. Catching up on each others' days.

"Today Violet did the cutest thing..."

"Did you hear that bit on Howard Stern..."

And, of course, more impersonations.

Sex in my twenties? Insecure, eager-to-please, awkward, phony, trying to imitate movie sex.

Sex in my early thirties? Comfortable, happy, fun. And funny.

I like it. I like it a lot.

Also, Serge is humongous. And he wants you to know he didn't tell me to type that.

Reader Comments (22)

Now doing impersonations is one trick I haven't heard before. What a riot! But I would agree that sex is totally getting funnier. Less olympic. Less losing consciousness. Less self-consciousness. Less sweat. But more funny for sure. I'm with you on this. I don't think I would trade it either. Good luck with the procreation, though. I believe it takes a braver woman to embark on parenthood the second time around.

Hi, by the way. I've been reading since Dooce linked to you, but this is my first time to post.

April 14, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterAshley

Fabulous... the mental image of you, Serge, and John getting it on, and a bored Max staring into space will haunt me for a while now!
Good luck with the creating of more Insanely Adorable Life!!

April 14, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterAlexandra E.

Sometimes Max stares at us! But he never seems overly interested. Should I be offended?

April 14, 2010 | Registered CommenterMonicaBielanko

I feel a laugh-cry coming on....

April 14, 2010 | Unregistered Commenterg-clair

I'm jealous. I'm still in that insecure phase where i feel like I'm acting during sex. I just want to find that one guy who I can relax and have fun with.

April 14, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterAimee

my dogs don't stare from afar....
the boy in particular will walk up to edge of the bed and rest his head on it. if we don't object after about a minute he'll get on to the bed and stand over us (he's a big dog, like Max, so this isn't something we can readily ignore)
the girl is happy if she's allowed to lie on the rug undisturbed

April 14, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterSarah

This is the first time I have visited your blog and I love it already. I hadn't figured out that your daughter is called Violet yet and when I read that you 'exchanged Violet in the carpark' I thought that was some euphemism for kissing and I thought - how cute!

April 15, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterMaureen

I can not stop laughing.....great post!

April 15, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterShelly

I'm at 38 weeks now and I promise you my baby hasn't heard me laughing that hard until now. Great post!

April 15, 2010 | Unregistered Commenterkatzenklappe

So, I already loved you, but now that you referenced the 1970s Pittsburgh Steelers, I want to do impersonations with you.

April 15, 2010 | Unregistered Commenterjive turkey

Lucky you...cute husband, well hung and he does put out! ; )

April 15, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterP

At least you're having fun! Speaking from experience, fertility related sex can get very dull very quickly. I think being in a long term relationship makes for the best sex. Sure, someone new is exciting but they sure as hell won't get your mid-coital jokes.

April 15, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterHolly

Oh lord, if my husband busted out the Christopher Walken (it's his specialty) during sex, I would probably slap him. But this is due to our history... He's never been particularly passionate, so I usually get pissed off when he acts silly when we're getting it on... I should probably lighten up.

April 15, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterStephanie

Your blog should be renamed..."The LUCKIEST Girl Who"!!!

April 15, 2010 | Unregistered Commentermari

Our dog doesn't join us on the bed but he paces back and forth or watches until I yell at him to lay down. Freak!

I hope the baby making is successful soon:)

April 15, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterJenn

If this regimen gets to be too much, the I would highly recommend charting for ovulation. You still have to have sex several days ina row, but at least you only have to plan for it once a month. The rest can be recreational. It took me 6 months to conceive while charting, but I imagine it would have taken me 2 or 3 times that without the chart.

April 15, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterSuzie

Long-term married sex is the best, just the bees' knees. I love the jokes and the dances and the goofiness. That level of comfort with one another is so much sexier than anything I can think of.

Of course, we're not trying to have a baby so there's no added pressure. We just fling woo when we want and where we want (in the house) and we don't even pay any mind to the cats.

April 15, 2010 | Unregistered Commenterjeneria

This kind of post is why I read your blog :)

April 15, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterSarah55

This was really, really fun to read! Good luck!

April 15, 2010 | Unregistered Commenterkds

That was brilliant!

Our dog is so gross. Whenever we're finished bonking, she always immediately comes over and wants to cuddle with us. But it doesn't feel like it's a celebratory cuddle but rather in commiseration. Plus she has a breath that would knock an elephant down dead at 100 feet. Not nice.

April 16, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterNiedlchen

Ha! Love this post.

April 16, 2010 | Unregistered Commentervictoria winters

I love the "lost in the desert" paragraph...masterful use of words.

So much gets in the way of sex in the female mind, I think. Not so in the male mind. They could be pissed as hell and still want it, while I, like you, would be fuming about something stupid he said ten hours ago. Throw in work and a kid and everything else in life and it's hard to make the mental connection that I need to "want it"....especially as much as he does!

Seriously great post - hope Serge is enjoying the ocean and that some little fish swim the right way!

April 17, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterHanni

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