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Monica Bielanko
A chronicle since 2005 of my marriage & move to Brooklyn in my twenties; becoming a mother in my thirties; moving to Pennsylvania and learning to amicably coparent after divorce in my forties while living 3 doors down from my ex-husband in a small country town.
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Wednesday
Jun022010

If You Bring The Cheese I'll Let You Drip It On My Naked Body

I've said it before and it bears repeating; my deep, abiding love of nachos and all things cheesy is an integral part of understanding me. You can take your brick of cake and shove it. Cookies? Eh. Doughnuts? Nah. Just hand over the cheese, dammit! Or tacos. Because really, nachos and tacos are the same thing, just packaged differently. If you really think about it, and I have, all Mexican food is pretty much the same glorious five or six food items.

I kind of just blew my own mind.

Now I can't stop thinking about all the things one can do with cheese, tortilla, meat and salsa if one were so inclined. Like, what if I made dinner for Serge one night and I set it up like when you eat sushi off naked chicks. I've never eaten sushi off a naked chick but I'm definitely not against it. Mostly I've just seen it on TV and stuff but I guarantee your local Utah sushi eatery is against it, nudity being the devil's playground and all. For what it's worth, the devil can play on my ground anytime. He's probably way better in bed than, say, Donny Osmond. But I digress.

So, I'll make dinner and all but instead of the sushi on naked girl scenario I've got two cheesy quesadillas resting artfully across my bounteous bosom and a taco placed delicately between my thighs. Wait! Isn't the word taco a euphemism for down there? Do you think someone's done this before? Maybe I've inadvertently stumbled across the origin of using the word taco to describe the female anatomy? Constantly breaking new ground here on The Girl Who, folks.

Okay, so I would be lying there beneath my Mexican fiesta clutching a couple Coronas with lime. And maybe later, instead of chocolate, he can drip melted cheese on my blubbery body and dip chips into the cheesy goodness.

I like it. I really like it.

Except for, knowing me, by the time Serge arrived I'd be drunkenly clutching empty Corona bottles because I already drank the beer and then I'd start picking at my taco and before you know it, the bounty that was my fiesta would be gone except for, maybe, a dollop of sour cream here and an errant shred of cheese there. That's really the point of this little missive. I can't stop eating. Specifically cheese. I mean, seriously, did you ever meet a piece of cheese you didn't like? I am friends with cheeses of all races, I do not discriminate. Muenster, Gouda, even your garden variety cheddar. Especially sharp cheddar. Where mild is a bit of a prude, sharp is just such a sexy bastard.

I love it so. I can't quit the cheese. But I've gotta! But I can't. We've had such good times and it makes me so happy when we're together. How can I say goodbye?

Reader Comments (22)

Why, in the name of all that is good, should you quit eating cheese????

June 2, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterMari Y

Have a cheese drawer in the frig. Really I do! Our whole family is crazy about cheese and we have every type and kindyou can think of. It might have a lot to do with me growing up in Wisconsin and being a cheese head and my father always sending us boxed of chesse...but really we are all like cheese freaks and it's a good thing.

June 2, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterShelly

Def. saw an episode of Jerry Springer where a lady rolled herself up in a giant taco with all the fixins...I was disturbed but I could not take my eyes away!

June 2, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterB

I think my husband would only want to eat a bratwurst off my naked body, with diced onions, peppers, a smidge of cheese, and celery salt.

June 2, 2010 | Unregistered Commentergwenhara

What Mari said- why do you need to quit cheese?

June 2, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterShauna (Fido & Wino)

Because it's making me fat and lazy! Well, okay, so I was already lazy but it's keeping me from losing the last ten pounds of baby weight. The other day I realized Violet's gonna be two soon and I'm still ten pounds overweight!

June 2, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterThe Girl Who

Last week I was visiting my home state of Wisconsin and thought of penning an ode to my favorite, the cheese curd. If you get them when they are really fresh they squeak when you chew them - a pleasant sensation. Just the right mix of salty, creamy, chewy and, well, cheesy. And don't get me started about Deep Fried Cheese Curds. Oh my.

June 2, 2010 | Unregistered Commenterjls

Don't get rid of the cheese all together....there's no way in hell you should do that. Just cut back. Who the hell am I kidding? Me giving you food advice? I'm 30lbs plus overweight and I still eat cheese. And thanks for making me crave nachos right before Zumba class. I'm so fucked....I'm gonna go to class, workout, and then stop at Taco Time on the way home and get nachos.

June 2, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterAnjie B.

A little Utahpian saying:
knees is knees and cheese is cheese and never the twain shall meet
thighs is thighs and pies is pies and never the twain shall meet
fumunder the wonder, a taco to plunder, but better from off your feet.

Don't decrease cheese you mummy, increase cheese because It's GOOD for you. It's just the best thing on God's Earth next to LOVE. Espectially with a nice red..or white if you will....wine.

June 2, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterGina

PS. just for fun, teach your little one to say, "More cheese, Mummy."

June 2, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterGina

enjoy life and keep eating the damn cheese. if you care that much about losing weight, just find a good time in your day to work out, and explore healthy and light recipes to incorporate cheese into. and nachos are also my favorite snack, now I'm the one craving them big time, what with all this talk of cheese!

June 2, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterAdrienne Armstrong

Cheese and wine keep me sane. Seriously, it's what I need to survive. Not great wine, not fancy cheese, although I LOVE great wine, I LOVE fancy cheese, but the lesser stuff will do. It will do so nicely. I love it ALL. The stinky cheese, the mild store brand stuff (thought not as much) the few times I've treated myself to expensive wines, the reality of needing to spend no more than $10 a bottle, I'm happy to consume it, and LOVE IT. Wine and cheese, it's what I need.

Oh, and nachos and tacos? Right there with you. Do you guys like shrimp? I'm on a kick of making shrimp, pepper, onion, and CHEESE quesadillas. Oh, so good. And easy.

June 2, 2010 | Unregistered Commenterkds

I'm with you about cheese. I've only found one cheese I didn't like, and it was VERY stinky sheep cheese...my kick right now is goat cheese. I can't believe I'm just now discovering how good it is!

And mozzarella, after pairing it with perfectly ripe tomatoes, basil, and olive oil over the weekend. Amazing.

June 2, 2010 | Unregistered Commenterktphotog

OK....so everyone agrees. Don't leave the cheese. Give us a list of your other regular dietary intakes (inlcuding beverages) & we'll tell you what you should cut back on :D

June 3, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterMari Y

Monica, don't know about you but I think Donny osmond is hot!

June 3, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterKat

I love cheese too, especially cheese fondue. Hell, I would eat just about anything if it was dipped in cheese.

June 3, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterTGW...

Holy sweet Jesus I LOVE cheese fondue too! Even though it sits like a cement block in my belly afterwards I can never stop myself until the last bit of crusty burnt cheese is peeled off. But Muenster? I didn't think any american would take to that, I'm impressed!

I'm a cheese addict too - well food addict if truth be told. Me and ze German have resigned ourselves to the fact that we are now that "chubby couple". Ughhhh well it could be worse i guess.... I just think life is too short to worry about 10 pounds, better cheese then crack.

June 4, 2010 | Unregistered Commentersharon

I say kick cheese to the curb. 'cept in bed, prolly should keep it there.

I go through phases with the 'eeeze and I find that I feel SO MUCH BETTER when I am sans cheese but it's just a hard transition to get there. I usually do a cleanse and cut everything out so when I'm doing I think brown rice is the yummiest food I've ever eaten. And then I oh so slowly head back to sloth and scones and cheese.

Or! Try cutting out all sugar - I can drop 10 by doing that.

June 4, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterJane

Sigh. I am sooooo in love with cheese. Totally with you. A moment on the lips and forever on the hips. It's just not fair.

June 4, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterThe Domestic Goddess

Here you go....http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YM5OMiFD94s&feature=related

June 7, 2010 | Unregistered Commentermeara

Glad you're back :)

June 21, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterKate

Nachos are my guilty pleasure... just thought you should know :).

P.S. New to your blog and loving it. Thanks for sharing!

August 16, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterKali

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