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Monica Bielanko
A chronicle since 2005 of my marriage & move to Brooklyn in my twenties; becoming a mother in my thirties; moving to Pennsylvania and learning to amicably coparent after divorce in my forties while living 3 doors down from my ex-husband in a small country town.
That's What She Said
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Tuesday
Aug102010

Dispatches from a married couple #2

Text messages of a thirty-something married couple through the month of July. You can find part one here.

Me: Can't answer. In meeting.
Him: Do your dishes!
Me: You called TWICE during my meeting to tell me to do my dishes??

*****

Me: What was the $34 charge at Harmons yesterday?
Him: I got some nice cold cuts and bread and a brie to picnic with during fishing. Imported figs in wild honey too and they were 14 bucks for 8 oz.
Me: Why must you mock my frugality/financial awareness? Some broads are all the time at the shoe store buying buying buying. Gotta have that purse, need those jeans.
Him: I thought you liked funny texts. Wasn't mocking. It was gas for the car.
Me: Oh. Nevermind then.

****

Him: What percentage would you say are our chances of doing the dirty tonite?!
Me: ZERO POINT ZERO. So when you YouPorn tonight, delete your viewing history.
Him: I love big MILFS! I ain't ashamed. You delete YOUR history. So what's your poison?
Me: Chicks. Porn dudes are gross.
Him: You like skater chicks and little, asian ladyboys.
Me: Not at all. You are creepy.
Him: You're creepier. Least I like something. Hell, I like everything!
Me: I like things. Just not "little, asian ladyboys".
Him: Well, you haven't really lived then.

*****

Him: Dinner: Corn Flakes

*****
Him: OMFG! The Hills finale! Justin Bobby is dead! Spencer ran him over in a tank!
Him: Someone has a new boyfriend!
Him: HE CAME! BRODY CAME TO THE PARTY!
Him: Brody took his hat off and there's a Little Brody that lives up there!
Him: Ha! Was actually a real cool ending. Am I really saying that? Who am I?
Me: Yes. Who are you?
Him: I am a wonderful man, filled with vim and vigor!

*****

Him: You will be happy to know that all those deeply discounted waders are gone. Sold. Other guys got 'em. Now you won't have to listen to me anyore.

*****

Him: Don't move the dryer. You'll crush the hose.

*****

Him: Washer works! Dryer tomorrow.

*****

Him: Do not use washer! Do not plug it in! Something's blocking pipe and it will overflow. Will work on it tomorrow. Ugh.

*****

Him: Something's bubbling in the walls.

*****

Him: I like it better when I was obsessed with waders! These washers and dryers are deep in me head!
Him: I think there is a flood coming. A Great Flood. God sent me the Vision of the Fishing Waders. And now this: The Overflowing Washer! I have been privy to Holy Warnings!
Him: I see Saint Peter in spilt detergent. Dear God, it's happening!
Him: The dryer whispers, 'Do it. Just do it now.'
Me: You have lost your damn mind.

*****

Me: Is the dryer still whispering to you?

*****

Me: I think I am having a boy, that is my official guess.
Him: Wrong.

Reader Comments (9)

Gosh, you people are so adorable. I want to scoop you up and tote you to Florida and have you live in a guest cottage where I could hear all your craziness when I get bored. Umm, is that creepy?

August 10, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterCass

PS: I just ordered the Beekman Blaak cheese. I'll let u know if it's yummy.

August 10, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterCass

I finally saw the one where Farmer John cries over the goat baby! I LOVE them.

August 10, 2010 | Registered CommenterMonicaBielanko

Totally envious of how you two communicate. Hilarious!

August 10, 2010 | Unregistered Commentermilan

Wow, I love this post. I hope I can marry a guy and have these kinds of text convos together! Im jealous!

August 10, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterMissAlone

I'll be honest. When I saw The HIlls stuff, I choked up a little bit with pride.

August 10, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterXmastime

Because you're both a couple of little, white ladyboys?

August 10, 2010 | Registered CommenterMonicaBielanko

I think this is the only time I have truly lol-ed, really- out loud at my work computer, while reading your texts. I love the gourmet picnic whilst fishing prank!

August 10, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterKaren

I feel less alone knowing that Serge was watching "The Hills" finale, too. He's a cool guy, so it must be OK for me, too, right? RIGHT?

August 11, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterKate

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