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Monica Bielanko
A chronicle since 2005 of my marriage & move to Brooklyn in my twenties; becoming a mother in my thirties; moving to Pennsylvania and learning to amicably coparent after divorce in my forties while living 3 doors down from my ex-husband in a small country town.
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Monday
Apr152013

The Butthole Bandit Rides Again

Serge: The neighbor's kids are so polite.

Me: Yeah, they're good kids.

Serge: Really! Whenever we see them they are unflailingly polite.

Monica: Unflailingly? Like, because they don't flail around and stuff while being polite?

Serge: Have you ever seen them flail while being polite?

Monica: Can't say as I have.

Serge: I rest my case.

*****

Monica: (From the shower) Can you hand me a towel?

Serge: Here.

Monica: Not that one.

Serge: What's wrong with this one.

Monica: I saw you using it yesterday.

Serge: What? You can't use a towel I've used? It's dry.

Monica: Dude. How do I know the part you used to dry your butthole isn't the part I end up using to dry my face? Chances are pretty high!

Serge: Why are chances high? Do I have a big butthole or something?

Monica: No. I don't know! Just, well, you're drying your butthole and your other dangly things and that probably uses up more than half the towel. Chances are high that I use that spot to dry my face, is all I'm saying.

Serge: Oh. Well. My butthole has been all over that shower... So...

Monica: Why is your butthole all over the shower?

Serge: I'm just saying. You'd be surprised. My butthole has been lots of places you probably don't want to know about.

Monica: ???

Serge: Hey! Where are you going?

Monica: To get a towel from the closet. Don't talk to me for two hours!

*****

Monica: (Shouting to his office just now) I wrote a post about your butthole! What's a better title? The Butthole Bandit or The Butthole Bandit Rides Again?

Serge (No hesitation) Rides Again.

Reader Comments (14)

I love you two.

April 15, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterNatalie

Thank god it's not just me and the butthole/face towel issue. And to top it off, my husband takes the washcloth I use to clean my nether regions and put it on his forehead when he has a headache. It apparently doesn't bother him to have a vagina-cloth on his head.

April 15, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterKat

@Kat

You just said "vagina cloth."

Come over. Let's have beers together.

April 15, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterTheGirlWho

@Monica - On my way!

April 15, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterKat

I'm so glad someone else has a vagina cloth!!! and totally agree Rides again!

April 15, 2013 | Unregistered Commentercharity

Re: the towels. This is stuff I try not to think about, for real. Thanks :/

April 15, 2013 | Unregistered Commenterchristine

This might be my all-time favourite of your posts...top 10 fer sure.

April 15, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterAlexandra

I had struck up a conversation with my guy friend suggesting he pick up a travel pack of those moist butt wipes for his upcoming trip and he told me that he already had that covered. He then said he had DUDE WIPES. I thought he was referring to the usual adult butt wipes but he then produced black box of individually wrapped 'Dude Wipes' he had ordered specifically for carrying in his wallet to use in the probably occasion of an office building BM.Well I just HAD to open one, but he grabbed the box out of my hand and said "Don't! They are very expensive and I don't want to waste them" I told him I would not waste it but no the man has incredible self control and won't even open one to satisfy his own curiosity. He will wait, and find out when the need arises. I was going to sneak into his bathroom and see what the heck the mystery is all about.Dude Wipes. Hmmph...what are they infused with aloe or what? What is so special about these wipes that they have to cost a buck apiece. I went looking but he must have hid the box somewhere. Anyway...you can check out this site if anyone is interested in securing a box. www.dudewipes.com

April 15, 2013 | Unregistered Commentergina

it's funny because it's so, so true.

April 15, 2013 | Unregistered Commentertara belle

unflailingly true, even.

April 15, 2013 | Unregistered Commentertara belle

thank you
that is all

April 15, 2013 | Unregistered Commentershugadeluxe

FYI: http://www.dudeproducts.com/dude-wipes

April 15, 2013 | Unregistered Commentergina

At least he wasn't throwing cold water on you while you were in the shower, like my husband does. We have a huge water fight going on in our house right now...as soon as the snow is gone and I can get out the 100' hose, he's in for it!

April 16, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterHanni

So true!

April 16, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterMary

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