Monica Bielanko
A chronicle since 2005 of my marriage & move to Brooklyn in my twenties; becoming a mother in my thirties; moving to Pennsylvania and learning to amicably coparent after divorce in my forties while living 3 doors down from my ex-husband in a small country town.
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Tuesday
May212013

Mom Make-Up Tutorial: How To Avoid Zombie Killers

Remember how I said I want to be pretty (or at least try?) Yeah. So I've been trying to slap on a little war paint every day and I'd say I manage it about 75% of the time, which, shut up, it's a whole lot better than the zero percent of the time I managed last year.

It takes me about two minutes to do my make-up. I usually git-r-done over the kids' shoulders as they're brushing their teeth. Oh, you have your own bathroom? How nice for you. Some of us have to run all the way downstairs to the half-bath to poop when our husbands take too long in the shower.

Today, I figured I'd kick off the new video series 'round these here parts with a mom make-up tutorial. Your goal: not to look hot but how not to look dead. If we moms, and shit, all the rest of you too, can just keep this in mind when applying our make-up I think we'd all be a whole lot happier with the outcome. Enjoy!

Reader Comments (41)

I lost my shit at blow job burn.

May 21, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterSelena

Very helpful. Love the eyeshadow palette!

May 21, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterLex Lemon

Maybelline Full & Soft mascara = best mascara ever made. Also F'ING DISCONTINUED in Canada. Because God hates me. Or something like that. (Just a little pent up postpartum rage over the whole issue).

May 21, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterLisa

I don't know how you do it, but you have the ability to make a topic like "make up", that I normally ignore or don't care about, so funny and interesting that I have to thank you! It was a very good laugh, the blow job face was exhilarating, and also when you talked about your brothers' eyelashes! You are really talented, it's been years I'm reading you, and I never get tired. Not hot, not dead, I will think about it tomorrow when I'll do my make up :)

May 21, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterSerena from Italy

Hilarious! A tip: Do the foundation before your concealer, and you'll cover up some of those red spots you've been concealing, meaning you'll use less concealer.

May 21, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterKrista

Loved the makeup video. You rocked it!!!

May 21, 2013 | Unregistered Commentershawna

Hands down the best video you've ever made. Very funny. I told my husband the blowjob face comment and he was really excited, lol.

May 21, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterCourtney K.

I could watch your videos all fucking day! Hilarious.

May 21, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterRichelle

this was fun. you reminded me of Kimmy Gibler here...mannerisms.

May 21, 2013 | Unregistered Commentergina

Monica, I've been a lurker for years and I just want to say that you seem really happy.

May 21, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterRobin

Best makeup video of all time. My eyelash worms are getting an extra coat of mascara tomorrow.

May 21, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterAlexandra

Great video....now let us watch you bleach your hair. (I MISS YOUR BLONDE SELF!)

May 22, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterKay from NC

Hey baby girl....Awesome schtuff! Anyhoo yeah, try the makeup before the concealer cause when you put concealer first and then the makeup, you end up pretty much rubbing all the concealor off when you apply the makeup. But ,you are a crazy crazy girl. You look great with the red lipstick during the day...Me? Just a Betty Davis lookin whore soooo....not fer me! Love loved this tho!

May 22, 2013 | Unregistered Commentermama

Fucking hilarious!!! Loved it!!! I'm a mom of 5 year old one and I know , believe me, I do!

May 22, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterNika

I fucking love you. Amazing.

May 22, 2013 | Unregistered Commentermr

Oh Monica, work would be so lame if i didnt have "The Girl Who" to read. Thank you so much!!! Have a great day.

May 22, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterTR

Best video ever!! If you were my bestie I would have taken you with me when I got my eyelashes TINTED yesterday. I've been doing it for years and highly recommend it for my fair-lashed friends. Lasts about 4 weeks, but it's most dramatic rock-star the first couple days. Oh, it's really hard to find salons that have this service (as I don't think it's approved by the FDA;) and it burns a tad.
Ps I'm team Blondie for you too.

May 22, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterBonnielee

This totally cracked me up! Loved it!

May 22, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterAnother Mary

OMG Best make-up video ever...actually first one I have ever seen and I am quitting while I am ahead.

May 22, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterJen

That's the best fucking make-up tutorial ever!!!!
I'm sending it to my friends right now. Just try for not-dead.

May 22, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterWendi

@Wendi - Thank you! Yes, I think we're all over-shooting when applying which wears us out and leads us to give the whole thing up. If you just shoot for Not Dead you'll score every time!

May 22, 2013 | Registered CommenterMonicaBielanko

Ok, so I read your blog religiously but have actually never commented before. And I don't wear makeup so I saw the title and thought "eh, maybe I'll skip this." Read the comments, was thoroughly confused/amused so of course I had to watch the video. You rock. I've ignored the recommendations and the reflection in the mirror for years but now I'm sitting here thinking I need makeup. Damn you, woman!

May 22, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterGiselle

I vote blonde too!!! On a related note, that video was funny as hell---and I picked up a pointer or two.

May 22, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterKristen

yeap, you rock Monica! good point!!! love this video too! :)))) p.s I'm so glad I've stuck with you here for all this years:)

May 22, 2013 | Unregistered Commenteranajo

You are a WRECK!!! That was fucking hilarious, chile.

May 22, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterKaren

I want many many more of these. Holy crap that was funny.

Also, on a serious tip: eyeliner recs? Anyone? I suck at eyeliner, and suck even harder at picking one to buy.

May 22, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterTracey

Awesome, awesome video! I might actually have to try wearing some makeup once in a while after watching...

Does that chicken at the end mean that you're getting chickens sometime soon????

May 22, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterHanni

The money from sponsors is in mentioning brand names. And the followers come when you give honest reviews. And if you really want to grow it, loose the foul language.

You are marketable, but you're going about it slightly wrong.

These two girls started out reviewing makeup honestly and doing tutorials. They now have about 30 million video views on Youtube and have done commercials for several big names. http://www.youtube.com/eleventhgorgeous

Nothing wrong with being a smart mouth hick who cusses constantly and gets a few laughs from a few blog readers, but nothing wrong with doing it straight and real and making some money either.

Because the market is flooded with young chicks doing makeup stuff. But there is room for a contender in your age bracket.

May 22, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterBetty_Boop

This made my day. I think you have found a new calling!

May 23, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterAnnika

@Betty_Boop - While I appreciate your advice (was that advice?) if you think I'm making these videos to land a deal with some make-up brand to review their products or be in their commercials you are sorely FUCKING mistaken. I'll leave that to the young chicks.

Sincerely,

Smart Mouthed Hick in the 35-40 age bracket.

May 23, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterThe Girl Who...

Just wanted to comment with thanks for the bj tips - hilarious but could also be quite useful. Then that comment from Betty Boop sent me over the edge - hahahaha OMG

May 23, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterDD

The cussing and personality is what makes it so fucking funny. I wouldn't watch some boring "How to Apply Foundation" video. No thanks. White ass Hick, I appreciate the humor.

May 23, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterKristen

That was fucking.hilarious! Thx for the laughs. You have a knack for knowing exactly how and when to curse. I love it.

May 23, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterDeeDeeB

I could not stop laughing. Thank you so much for making my day. I'm SO glad to see you guys feeling better.

May 23, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterLaura B

Hi, smart mouthed hick age 36 checking in to thank you profusely! Keep em coming...

May 23, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterBree

Not beautiful...not dead...LOVE it! Totally my new moto.

May 24, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterMandy

This was great! Thanks for the video and the laughs!!!

May 25, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterAnna

It was meant as a an encouragement. You do have some skills that would lend themselves to being marketable to a wider audience. What's wrong with that? Seriously, you are not getting any younger. Get your ass in gear and make a little money for your family. Being a dumb ass online for your limited audience is fine, but go for the gusto and do something bigger.

And no one really gets a deal with a makeup company any more. But if you are going to take the time to put something out there, do something good.

Start talking about products you like. As a reader I'd be interesting in knowing what skin care products you use because you have pretty skin. But I'm also not interested in hearing you dumb down yourself and I'm not interested in listening to you cuss every other word. It's so 1980's whitetrash. Sorta like you live in a trailer but don't.

I'm just saying there are plenty of young chicks out there reviewing crap, why not someone in your age bracket doing a video e ey now and then about a product you like.

May 25, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterBetty_Boop

Oh, Betty. You don't know me very well, do you? Thanks for the "encouragement" though.

May 25, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterThe Girl Who...

Hey! I've been a reader for years and am a makeup/brow artist by trade. Love your video! Some time saving thoughts - do your eyes first so that you can clean up any eyeshadow that falls. Your final makeup and the highlighting that you have put in will be brighter. if you ever think about adding any extra steps, I would consider using a face primer before you apply foundation, as well as a powder to set your foundation before you apply blush. As always, never be afraid of the power of MORE MASCARA! My lashes SUCK, so I apply more coats between other steps of the makeup application. Lastly, fill in your brows! You're rocking the darker hair and you still have blonde girl brows. Use an eyeshadow in a cooler brown tone with an angle brush and give yourself a good, strong brow. Promise, it'll be awesome! I sincerely believe that any woman can execute a complete "day makeup" in 5-10 minutes. All that you need are the right tools and some practice.

May 28, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterMIchelle

funniest thing ever!

May 28, 2013 | Unregistered Commentercharity

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