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Monica Bielanko
A chronicle since 2005 of my marriage & move to Brooklyn in my twenties; becoming a mother in my thirties; moving to Pennsylvania and learning to amicably coparent after divorce in my forties while living 3 doors down from my ex-husband in a small country town.
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Wednesday
Sep042013

An Open Letter To My Unborn Wife

Our days and nights together will sometimes seem like a dream, too. Looking back, I kind of like that, too. In a way, I think love should be that way. So much happened so fast between us that we ended up taking these gargantuan blind leaps before we even knew each other. (Ahem) You’ll point this out to me a bunch of times down through the years, but for better or for worse, I never pay it much attention. Don’t get mad at me for that if you can help it; I never hesitated for even a second when it came to marrying you.

Not even a second.

I don’t know how to describe why I felt so sure it was the thing to do…I just did.

It just was.

Unfortunately, I will piss you off something fierce down the road, kiddo. My chaotic lifestyle (lucky you: you marry a penniless rock-n-roll guitarist) and your professional one will collide like a couple of summertime air show tragedies, thick black billowing souls of smoke and fire snaking over a field of our own screams and finger-pointing.

I will often feel like I married way out of my league too, and combined with the rest of my Greek Diner menu of neurosis and my Fat-Kid Complex that I have carried around with me since I was a seven-year-old Dom Deluise hooked on microwave mozzarella sticks, I think that it is safe for me to let you know that eventually all of that gets you pretty ticked off.


That up there is part of a letter Serge wrote to me before I was born. It's hard to explain. I'm just going to go ahead and take the part where he calls me a "weird/insane Scandinavian-ish Winter Angel" as a compliment, though. If you want to check out Serge's letter it's over here on our He Said/She Said column on Babble along with some photos he picked out from our life together. I've said it before and I'll say it again - marriage is the hardest thing I've ever done. Waaay harder than being a parent. Which do you find more difficult; parenting or marriage? Why?

Reader Comments (8)

I went and read Serge's full letter on babble and I just have to tell you that it might be the most romantic piece I have ever set my eyes on. It's honest and funny and I love that he is capable of being so brutally honest about his faults. That alone is romantic. It was very sweet to read and I think a lot of men may share in the way he feels but aren't capable of expressing it in such an eloquent way without being over the top or cheesy. Love Love Love it.

To answer your question, I think the hardest part is the balance of being a parent and being a wife. It's almost like two different parts of your personality coexisting and trying to devote each one to separate people and things. It's impossible to give 100% to either one without sacrificing the other. That is where I constantly struggle.

September 4, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterAmanda Quam

Sometimes I read something that either you or Serge has written and I am blown away.
Just wanted to tell you that. Keep writing, I love to keep reading.

September 4, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterBrooke

Oh Serge,
That was so beautiful, especially the end. Your words are amazing and I love you both and your whole family, thank you for sharing with all of us - keep on loving,

September 4, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterLiz

Marriage. Definitely marriage. In my case I was a single mom who got married when my son was six. Somehow imagining that this grown ass man actually expected to take time and attention away from my son never hit me until we moved in together. I still struggle. But my son is my son, know what I mean? I know this isn't a popular sentiment, but my son is the single most important person in my life. I owe him everything because he's had such a huge hand in shaping who I am and where I've gone. My son was born when I was 18 so we've grown up together. My husband completed our family, that is so true, but my son is still my son.

September 5, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterLeslie

marriage. marriage, marriage, marriage.
maybe because we are so stuffed to the brim with stories and pictures of unrealistic love growing up so when we become eternally bound to some normal idiot it's an adjustment that has to take nearly as long as the number of lied to years until that day.
maybe because our children, we know, even as they get older, are children. they are innocent and needy and it's up to us to teach them everything. everyfuckinnthing. but our spouse? they're a grown-up man. they shouldn't need so much grace, they already know how to feed themselves and tie their shoes and be kind to people, so what's the problem?!

September 6, 2013 | Unregistered Commentermelissa

Remember, one day, a long day down the road, the kids will grow up and leave you, but Serge never will. You two chose each other years ago, and you are still choosing each other each day that you plow through life and the madness that comes with it.
PS I think the Scandinavian angel means be likes you as a blonde:)

September 6, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterBonnieleesporn

I realize I am in the minority, but for me it is parenting, hands down. To me, there is so much more pressure to get it right. Also, with marriage, it feels like you have a choice to make it work or not, not so with parenting. Not that I would choose not to parent my girls given the chance, but some days, I feel like I am at my breaking point. My kids are a bit older 12 and 8, and the issues are DIFFICULT. Not to mention the fact that kids are ungrateful, needy, unreasonable beings. While my husband can be that way at times ;), he can generally take responsibility for his actions. I hope this doesn't make me sound like an asshole or bad mother, because I would do anything for my kids, but maybe that is why it is so hard, I often find myself doing things I really don't want to do.

September 18, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterMaggie

I can not find the “Open Letter To My Unborn Wife,” it seems that babble has removed it. Is there any way you can send me the entire letter? Thank you.

June 14, 2017 | Unregistered CommenterTommy Nezlo

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