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Monica Bielanko
A chronicle since 2005 of my marriage & move to Brooklyn in my twenties; becoming a mother in my thirties; moving to Pennsylvania and learning to amicably coparent after divorce in my forties while living 3 doors down from my ex-husband in a small country town.
That's What She Said
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Monday
Jun022014

Moving Ahead But I Still Look Back

Oh, hi. Fancy seeing you here. I thought you stopped coming by and yet here you are. I'm glad you're here. You mean a lot to me. Most of the time I feel like I'm typing away in my quiet little corner of the Internets but every now and again I'll get a glimpse of how invested some of you are in my sweet family and I'm just blown away. So thanks for being here. It makes me feel a little less lonely, an emotion with which I am all too well acquainted with lately.

The messages and comments so many of you have left here and sent on Facebook (go ahead and friend me over there, I'm there even when not here) have meant a lot. I'm always surprised when someone takes the time to send me a few words of encouragement and some of y'all have really great advice. Certain words of yours, sentences, philosophies on life and love and all the rest of it all, have stuck with me and helped light the way through some pretty dark times these past few months.

I know I haven't written much here lately, mostly because I don't know what to write. I'm not interested in blow by blow blogging of all the nonsense that inevitably goes down when a couple decides to separate. Years from now, when all the tumultuous feelings of right now have faded, anything I've written will seem silly and hurtful. And during a separation/divorce, when certain feelings are so ephemeral, writing about anything is particularly risky.

What I'm saying is I think writing about specifics would hurt more than help so you won't read any of that here. Maybe some generalities about adjusting to my new life, otherwise - nada. I know, so disappointing for you! Positivity is so boring. Believe me, I watch The Real Housewives of New York for a reason and it ain't for positivity. But yeah, you will never read anything about this whole thing I wouldn't want my children to read in twenty years. And twenty years from now all they need to know is we tried our hardest but when we began to feel like us being together was more detrimental to them than us being apart we made the decision to separate, take a break and try to gain a little perspective.

Which brings us to here. Now. I don't know what this blog means to me anymore. I have no illusions about any of it like I may have in the past. I just need a place to write what I want to write whether it's hard truths I'm realizing in my life, funny stories or just photos of my kids... Other than that, I don't know. I'm not interested in being something I'm not which probably means no sponsored posts unless I really, really, really dig the thing... Just no more bullshit. I started the blog to write.

Lots of huge changes coming up and I totally plan to keep you posted. Additionally, as many of you are aware, Babble.com was down for some time while they switched servers or whatever they've been up to over there but they're back up now with a new site design (still somewhat under construction) but you can read my latest post, How My Baby Is Wise Beyond His Months, over there if you like.

Thanks for reading. Thanks for caring.

Reader Comments (26)

I just want you to know that you taught me to fight even when I thought giving up was the only option. My husband got on my nerves so badly, sometimes I really felt like I hated him. You showed me to stop looking at how I feel so much and look at why I was feeling that way. It wasn't him I hated, it was circumstances, and number 1 was that he was unemployed and around me all.the.time. I can't handle to lack of separation in lives. Sometimes now, he calls 4 or 5 times during his work day, expects me to drop everything and listen to him rant about something, or just to entertain him while he smokes a cigarette. At the end of the day though, I'm glad he's the one I laugh through shows with, and that I share my children and life with. Thank you for teaching me to look at those things instead of focusing on everything annoying about him. Btw, we've been married for almost 11 years and I think after 10 years, it gets harder!

June 2, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterJulie

Monica, I've been following your story for quite some time, and I'm glad to see you back here writing. You've got a beautiful way with words, even when you're writing out the hard stuff (and by the way, thank you, for writing out some hard stuff over the years). I really hope you and your family find the happiest version of life, no matter what that looks like for you and Serge and those gorgeous kids. Sending lots of love and good thoughts your way.

June 2, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterGemma Hartley

I'm glad you're back. This can't be an easy time but it's nice to hear/read that you're keeping your chin up. If you need to write, I'd love to read about Charlie's home birth. I'm praying and sending good vibes and love your way during this time.

June 2, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterKaty E

I have been checking, reading and I do care. It's odd how we care about people we have never even met.

As difficult as all of this is, I"m glad to hear you are putting your children first. People can successfully divorce and not have it get ugly when they put the children first. I wish you both well as you work out whatever you need to work out.

June 2, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterVicki

So glad to see you back here and hoping that the time you & Serge spend apart will result in a new appreciation of each other and a reconciliation.

June 2, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterCarole

Glad to see you back! I've been checking in all the way from Australia. Looking forward to reading what it is you feel like writing. x

June 2, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterSteph

Excuse for me being shallow, but damn girl you are looking hot! I can't imagine what you're going through, with a newborn to boot, but at least there's another positive for ya.

June 2, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterSaffoula

Glad you are doing alright, Monica and that you are being prudent in the stuff you share for all the right reasons. I have been down that way...In the end the most important thing for my ex and I was our friendship and though other well meaning folks don't get why we will NEVER marry again, I am getting used to people seeing what they want to see when we are together and knowing that they will never understand because they are not in our shoes...They are outsiders who want to see happy endings their own way... and can't relate to my story, my feelings and our chemistry being what it is. When you try to make it work for years and are both miserable you find that you need to find what is real in the relationship and that surely happens without external pressures...Love comes through. Always in my prayers.

June 2, 2014 | Unregistered Commentergeez

Glad to see you back in the saddle.... Charlie is adorbs!!!!!

June 2, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterKaren

Glad you're back! I completely understand and agree with your decision on what to write or not write on the blog. It's the best for you two, and the children. Sending you a big hug, wishing you that all this become less painful soon. xxx

June 3, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterSerena from Italy

So glad to have you back! I don't need to know your personal life details, just write about what comes naturally; motherhood. Can we get a reaction piece to the Kimye wedding, too???

June 3, 2014 | Unregistered Commenterjck

I've been reading both of you for the past few years and from my little corner of the world, I'd just like to wish you both and your children the very best of everything as you progress through this new stage of life. I applaud the fact that you're not blogging every detail of your uncoupling and am glad you are finding and making space for each other as co-parents of your children. It can't be easy but it seems you are doing a damn good job.

June 3, 2014 | Unregistered Commenteranon

And what you said about cleaning up for a baby's arrival and ensuring that they will be born into the most nurturing environment possible is very true and very brave. I'm sure that more than one reader, myself included, felt uncomfortable after reading that line because it's inevitable to ask if we were/are so brave and so unflinching ourselves. Sometimes it's much easier to keep going instead of stopping and facing up to a situation.

June 3, 2014 | Unregistered Commenteranon

So glad to see you are back. I felt like a stalker for a little while. I kept checking your bloglovin page and I could see this post but couldnt click on it then it went away and now here it is again!! Thank you for keeping in touch, we all know you dont have to. It really blows you are having such a hard time with life right now but this too shall pass (or some shit like that right?) Glad to see you are staying positive.

June 3, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterSarah

Very happy to see you writing here again…and I think it's a great decision to not write about any details (although I'd sure read them!). Sending lots of positive thoughts for all of you - happiness for everyone, no matter how it ends up! :)

June 3, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterHanni

ummm...
rock on...

June 3, 2014 | Unregistered Commenterfahrenheit

Good to see you back. I'm rooting for you and Serge and your family, whatever form things take in the future. You guys are doing a really good job in a really tough situation.

June 3, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterLara

Oh thank god you're back! Life is complete once again! It wasn't the same without you here you know, at your own blog. I was worried it was gone, so you've now made my day! Cheering you on from the sidelines...xo

This was a lovely post. You are not alone.

Keep on keepin' on.

June 3, 2014 | Unregistered Commenternovemberjuliet

I'm glad you are back! this is the only blog I follow now, and I was sad you weren't here anymore.

June 4, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterTeresa

Thanks for posting. It would be a shame for someone with your ability and talent not to continue writing. I completely understand for keeping some things private. You have to for you and your children. That all being said, I enjoy you keeping it real and you have a great sense of humor when needed. :)
Stay true to you.
Thanks again,
mm

June 4, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterMonica

I do care, truly. Cause I think we would be friends if we lived next door.... And hopefully we will meet IRL. I'm rooting for happy endings, whether it means together or apart.

June 4, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterLorrie

So glad you decided to write again... I feel like there is something going on when I haven't ready anything from you for some time. I feel for you.. and your family. You are in our thoughts and prayers. Just hold on, everything soon will be fine, even if it seems not... i keep telling that to myself also..

June 5, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterImadylle

Oh, I am glad to see you back! I love they way you are able to put those hard things into words, when words fail me so often!
Looking forward to more Violet, Henry and Charlie stories and pictures as this new phase rolls on!

June 11, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterChris C

Monica,
I just found your blog from a friend who knows what I am going through. I am going through the same thing right now. My husband decided to give our life together up and divorce was the only option. I am trying my best to keep everything together for our son who is only 1 1/2. It has to be the hardest thing I have ever done, but I know things will be better in the future. Our marriage was a mess and I never saw it coming. Keep your chin up., You are an amazing mom.

June 12, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterKatie

I enjoy reading your blog. Thanks for taking us along for the ride even when it's bumpy. I hope you and Serge find peace and frindship. Hugs!

June 13, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterTania

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