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Monica Bielanko
A chronicle since 2005 of my marriage & move to Brooklyn in my twenties; becoming a mother in my thirties; moving to Pennsylvania and learning to amicably coparent after divorce in my forties while living 3 doors down from my ex-husband in a small country town.
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Tuesday
Nov192013

Open Wide



It's like I was driving nonchalantly beneath a blue dome of sky and suddenly noticed a zipper. It'd been there all along, the zipper. I just hadn't had the presence of mind to really see it. And then one day I did. So I casually reached out and unzipped the whole fucking sky.

As the zipper teeth yawned wide I spotted the entire universe behind them. Planets, entire solar systems, asteroids, shooting stars all spilling out from behind the blue dome I've spent years looking at... but never beyond. But it was all there the whole time.

Autopilot. It's great for airplanes but when you flip it on in life it's bad news. One minute you're at attention; steering the wheel, handling the throttle like a fucking boss, all while expertly observing everything in front of you and making split second decisions - speed up, slow down, change lanes, flip the bird, courtesy wave...Other times you start awake and find your jaw on your chest and drool dribbling down your chin as you realize you've been sleeping at the wheel for hours while the plane was on autopilot. A tricky bastard, that autopilot.

I'm awake. I see the big picture. Or as much of the picture as I'm meant to see for now. It'll keep yawning wider and wider until I'm on my death bed, I guess, and only then will I truly see the 'big picture.' Then I'll reach up and unzip the universe in hopes of an even bigger view.

No, I haven't been smoking pot, you asshole. I'm seven months pregnant. I'd like a joint right about now, though. It's been years. Ain't nothin' wrong with a little weed every now and again so long as you don't also happen to be simultaneously creating life. It does the world good. All things in moderation, mis queridos amigos.

So, no pot, just thoughts. About me. Where I've been, where I am and where I'm going. And despite the universe revealing itself so sexily to me, I don't have any answers. In fact, I have more questions than I had before ever laying a hand on that beautiful zipper.

7 MONTHS:



Reader Comments (7)

Not being creepy but rather complimentary. You're the sexiest 7 months pregnant woman I've ever seen!

November 19, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterJacqueline

sounds more like acid. I never liked pot. it just made sleepy.

November 20, 2013 | Unregistered Commenterteresa

I thought magic mushrooms

November 21, 2013 | Unregistered Commentershuga

Monica, sounds like you've continued with your meditation practice... this is what happens: clarity shows itself for a moment, and then you're back to your normal, human being ways. Give that Clarity a big ole kiss on the lips, and try not to force it to arrive again. It may never show itself again, or you will continue to have some wonderful insights. I loved reading this, and loved the zipper metaphor!!

November 22, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterKaren

Yo Monica! I know you're busy making a human being but I'm hoping we get to see Serge's Christmas decorations this year.

December 18, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterJacqueline

Hey girl. Hope the baby cooking is going well. What have you been up to lately? Hoping all is well!! Happy Holidays :)

December 19, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterSarah

You look amazing! i guess you're one of those women who get their fat in their belly only. A lot of women will definitely be envious of you. How are you? I hope both you and baby are perfect.

January 24, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterMichelle Jordan

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