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Monica Bielanko
A chronicle since 2005 of my marriage & move to Brooklyn in my twenties; becoming a mother in my thirties; moving to Pennsylvania and learning to amicably coparent after divorce in my forties while living 3 doors down from my ex-husband in a small country town.
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Thursday
Jun202013

Style Staple: Swimsuit To Hold In All Your Loose Bits



A couple weeks before we went to the Jersey Shore I decided to get off my ass and do the thing all women dread all the time; shop for a swimsuit.

Well, before I did that I tried to remain on my ass and score one online. Ain't nobody nowhere who likes to behold their dimpled ass in a threeway mirror beneath buzzing fluorescent lights while their toddler grabs handfuls of their thigh and says "You're so soft and squishy, Mommy!" If I could get away with remaining on my ass whilst purchasing a suit I sure as shit was gonna give it a go.

I knew I wanted a retro type swimsuit that would cover as much of my parts as possible. Not that my parts are all that bad, just that they're a little loose. They need some support. Retro-style one-piece suits not only cover skin acreage but they're stylish, not matronly, as most other gigantic one-piece suits seem to be. Basically, a retro suit is as close to wearing just Spanx in public as you can get. SCORE!

So I checked around and found a couple sites like ModCloth.com and UniqueVintage.com that specialize in retro suits. But those guys are gonna charge you nearly $100 for a suit. And they have the horrifying disclaimer that "our suits tend to run small." I couldn't risk ordering a suit a mere ten-ish days before vacation only to have my ass eating it for lunch the minute I put it on. So I did what I always do when I need shit. I got muh-self to Walmart.

Go ahead, make fun. See if I care. But I stumbled onto their line of retro suits, Suddenly Slim By Catalina, ($30!) and I am thrilled. I'm sure stores across the country differ in what they carry but my store had the polka-dot suit you see below in black, red, turquoise and fuchsia. I originally wanted red but they were out. I snapped a pic of the remaining colors, Facebooked that shit and the overwhelming response was black and white polka dots. Except for a friend, who shall rename nameless (COLE) who said "How about not Walmart?" How about you shut your whore mouth?

So I got black. After posting photos from my vacation yesterday I've received several inquiries about where I got the swimsuit and figured I'd pass on the good word. Never underestimate the awesomeness of Walmart, my friends. The suit is thick, durable, sucks in my bits and doesn't disappear into crevices. What more does a girl want in a suit? Tell your loose bits, if you got 'em, I said you're welcome.

If you can't find the suit at your local Walmart there are a bunch of 'em on Ebay too. I quite like the cherry one. By the way, I'm 5'4 and weigh roughly 135 and I got the size 8 and it fits perfectly.





Reader Comments (16)

I kid you not - I was sitting here a mere few hours ago thinking "I've got to get a swim suit. I liked that snappy polka dot number Monica Bileanko had on her Facebook...hmm....where did she say she got that again?..." and then BOOM! Your post appears as if by magic or telepathy or something.

Tomorrow I make the pilgrimage to the Walmarts. My loose bits thank you.

It's a cute suit and it looks great on you Monica. Thanks for sharing the deets!

June 20, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterLinda

It really is SO cute on you!! You look fabulous in it and these pictures could not be any cuter. Serge is a lucky guy!

But I'm with Cole....I haven't set foot in a Walmart in years, and ain't no swimsuit in the world worth giving that corporation one penny of my money. For someone as liberal as you, I'm surprised you shop there, to be honest. I'll shut my whore mouth now. ;)

June 20, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterKate

Well now that I've already ordered one, I can say that on the WalMart website it is on sale for 25.00!

June 20, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterHeather R

I was totally wondering where you got that adorable suit...I still prefer two pieces for containing my loose bits, but I am down 12 pounds so far and maybe next summer I will have myself one of them cute ones. Sorry no high horse about WalMart...shop there all the time.

June 20, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterJen

Okay... I'm excited now. And so ordering this for my upcoming vacation!

Thanks for being honest about your low-brow shopping that brought such a great find!!! (I love high quality at low brow prices, all the way).

And the suit really does make you look HOT, mama.

June 20, 2013 | Unregistered Commenterkirsten

If you live in the country and shun Walmart, you might not have anyplace left to shop.

I grudgingly shopped at Walmart all the time, until the nearby military base expanded, our population increased by about 10,000, and we got a Target!

And when it comes to swimsuit shopping, I think it's fair to throw pretty much all principles to the wind in order to get a suit that looks as fabulous on you as that one does!

June 20, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterKristin

Totally Betty Boopish adorable!

June 20, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterSimplySuzi

Looking gorgeous, Mon! Tres chic!

June 21, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterPretzel Thief

A couple folks on Facebook asked about the lipstick color. It's my go-to red this summer and can also be purchased for a few bucks at Walmart: Loreal Colour Riche 350 British Red.

June 21, 2013 | Registered CommenterMonicaBielanko

I just got this suit in red with white polka-dots! It came in the mail yesterday and I am so in love with it. It is my first dip into giving up my bikini and I feel 100% more comfortable. I am 5'9" and 150lbs and the 8/10 suit fits perfect. I feel better about myself and am not constantly worried that I don't look okay.

So... basically I am just commenting to say "ME TOO!"

Also, you look adorable. I hope I look that adorable in mine.

June 21, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterSarah

Two words: Rack. Envy.

June 21, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterAndrea

I LOVE LOVE LOVE your blog! and i LOVE LOVE LOVE your swinsuit!!!!! retro swimsuits were designed for a woman's lovely curves. All these bikinis and stuff we have now don't do much for our lovely lady lumps.. and bumbs...and rolls. But the retro style suits are so amazing and adorable and sexy and stylish!!! I can't wait to have this baby already so I can get a suit like yours! Hell, I may just break my 15 year no-Walmart streak and go get one now! pregnant ladies look cute in vintage, too. And I love your sunglasses. You are super stylish and sassy! work it, girl!!!

June 21, 2013 | Unregistered Commentersassypreggolady

Thanks to you, I ordered this suit, it came in the mail today, and I'm happy with my body in a bathing suit for the first time in 12 years. You are my summer hero.

June 25, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterKristen

It's a fab suit. N is really morally against Walmart, and we have other places to shop....and sometimes I still buy things there. i think he know i cheat and ignores it. :-) i might have to cheat for this suit!!!

July 1, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterLiz aka EDW

I just ordered this suit! Looks super cute on!

July 18, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterKristen

I got one too! ;) You know Monica, I had this thought that if there's a pool at the Sheraton at BlogHer, you just may be responsible for the largest contingent of bloggers sporting black and white polka dotted bathing suits in one place. ;)

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